Partay!!!

Sorry I haven't blogged lately, I've been busy playing with the boys! We've been having late nights, quite literally, and I haven't been happier.

Yesterday, the boys and I went to the mall, and there was this REALLY cute guy at Zumiez, and I wrote down my number, and Skinny gave it to him for me. He hasn't called me yet, but I figure its that 3 day rule, and even if it isn't, it was nice to have put myself out there.

OH, and at the mall I ran into my ex's little sister. We locked eyes and she waved and I waved back. I felt a little pang of hurt, but it wasn't anything too seriously heart-wrenching. It just takes some time... (Jimmy Eats World)

We've been having a BLAST though, and I haven't been home except to sleep. I love it. It drives my mom crazy, though. She doesn't like the fact I'm hanging out with a whole bunch of guys that are dating other girls. But I don't care. They're just friends. She's just weird like that I guess.

Skinny's mom is Latina, and she makes THE BEST food EVER. I mean, quite literally the BEST Mexican cuisine I've tasted. I get full, and just... continue eating. I'm not usually a fan of Mexican, but DAMN.

Other than that, the single life has been nothing but hanging out with my friends and sleeping (and working sometimes). I haven't found anyone yet, and truthfully, I don't know if I want to date someone. I'm having entirely to much fun being single.

I got my nose pierced. It looks great, and it doesn't hurt all that much. The initial piercing actually hurt the most out of all my piercings (I had my tongue done, but took it out recently, then I have three holes on the lower part of my ears, and also my right conch twice). My mom doesn't know yet, but then again, I don't think she'd flip out too much. All the girls at my work have them (except the noobie) so my work should be fine with it.

On another note, I can't believe people are trying to cash out on Michael Jackson's death. I'm watching TV and the commercial for the commemorative Michael Jackson lithographs, and its really just sickening. I'm tired of all of this publicity. They should just let him rest in peace.

And the ridiculous Goslin fiasco. NO ONE GIVES TWO SHITS. I mean, seriously? Seriously? It's their drama, the whole world doesn't need to know about it.

I hope I never get famous.

Late Night Thoughts...

I'm up late tonight and can't really sleep, so I'm publishing my current thoughts on my life at the moment.

Its like the song "I can feel it coming in the air tonight" except it isn't about how horrible a person is, its about how I can just feel it. I feel this presence of someone that is going to pop into my life soon that is going to alter the way I think, and its frustrating sitting in this limbo going, "when are you going to strut your way into my life?"

I think I'm a catch. I am slightly narcissistic, I won't lie, but at the same time in order to have confidence you almost have to be slightly narcissistic. Plus, I'm at a point in my life where its not such a bad thing. I care about other people, and I do try to do what's best for more than just myself, but when it comes down to it, I'd rather be happy then you. I went down the road where I gutted all my feelings in order to spare someone Else's with my ex, and it just brought me down a road I didn't really want to be on, in a car that was about to break down. Oh, and on top of that, cricket mobile doesn't have any signal there. Bummer.

He was always at burger king trying to get it his way, but I'm not a king. Hell, I'm not even the queen. I wanted it MY way. I bent on a lot of things for him, and I really tried to make it work. But there's two sides to a relationship. There's two sets of feelings that are being pushed and pulled. One person can't give up the majority of their life to appease the other, while the other walks all over the person they say they "love".

I can just feel this bone-crushing love just whisking me off my feet, and I feel like its going to be soon, but I don't want to wait for it. Maybe tomorrow, maybe next week, who knows. All I know, is that I don't think its CHB and I don't think it's Skinny's BFF. (BTW, I think if Skinny's BFF would give me a chance, he'd really like me. But men are complicated, and I tend to be attracted to the ones who are looking for little nerdy anime like girls, and I'm a laid back loud mouthed princess.)

I met Youngun's GF today, and I really like her. She has three horses, which automatically registers awesome in my book. I think we'll plan a girl's night out sometime when the boy's have their boy's night out... and I'm not invited. For the most part, I'm just as much of a dude as any of them, so they include me in on the boy's nights.

Which brings me to another problem. I thought guys would like a chick that can keep up with them. I thought guys would be looking for not just a lover, but a buddy. And, the more and more I look into it, the more and more I realize that, it might not be the case. I guess they want a girl they can have to show off, but won't want to keep up with the guys. I don't know anymore. It's all just really complicated.

Life. Is. Hard. To. Figure. Out.

And It's hard to feel comfortable in your own shoes when you're made to wear high heels.

School... School.. More School...

I'm trying to get into ACC because my high school didn't send my transcript in time to A&M Corpus, and its getting frustrating.
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I need a stupid transcript to give to ACC and I submitted my request to get one on friday (which is the day they took off). I left it Monday for them to complete it and went by today, but they hadn't finished it yet. "It'll be done after one" she told me. I have work at 1:15... I guess I'll be a little late.

My Mom has been breathing down my neck about it, and so I left pretty upset.

I'm just tired of this school's office staff. I mean, for real... could they dick me around any more? When I was transferring from my old school to the new school, we tried to get all the information squared away, and my Mom and Step-dad were going to Alaska the first week of school. We tried to register early, but no one told us there was a deadline, and we missed it by a day. So, they told us to get a notarized statement saying my sister was my legal guardian while my Mom was gone, so that my sister could enroll me in school. The first day of school, they STILL tried to turn me away. I told them they couldn't do it. I snapped at them. My sister was like "DAY-UM!" and I just laughed. I wasn't about to be turned away.

And they've been trouble ever since. I miss my old high school's office staff. They were the bomb-diggity.

Nothing's really going on in the dating world. I've just been hanging out a lot with Skinny. I might again tonight. He's a hoot and a half.

Short post today. I start riding Thursday.

Jimi Hendrix...

I've spent a lot of time lately thinking about Jimi. Its time to process the hurt, and its time to sit and think hard about him and his death.

Jimi was an ex racehorse. He was a bit sway backed, but it didn't bother me at all.

I feel, in a way, Jimi's death was God's way of telling me I was going the wrong way. Desperate for some sort of male attention, I started to date my ex again, after a long period of time that I had no one in my life. A few weeks later, Jimi got hurt. I was mucking out the stalls one evening, and I looked out the window to admire my steed. I noticed he was holding one of his front legs oddly, so I went to investigate. I saw a deep gash, so I went to grab his halter and take him out of his pasture to clean him up. He wouldn't put any weight on it at all. Panicked, I went to get my boss. She helped me get him down the hill and helped me clean him up and we put him in a stall. She said he would get better, and he might just be a bit dramatic.

I knew I should have been spending every moment like I had weeks previous with Jimi, and more especially now that he was hurt, but I didn't because I felt obligated to spend time with the ex. I don't know how he got such control over me. I felt guilty not spending the weekend with him, and the ranch was a good half hour drive away, and it took out a huge chunk of my day that the ex made me feel like I should be spending with him.

I'm going to back up really quick. I didn't really ride Jimi ever. I mean, I had a few times, but he took off with me, and I fell off of him, yada yada yada, and I was too scared to ride him. My boss told me she would help me out and try to train him down, (and myself up) but with students, a full time job, and horses to train, she didn't have much time to work on him as well. I got one great ride on him before he got hurt.

Anyway, I promised him and myself that, when he got better, I'd just get on him and ride. I'd choose not to fall off. I'd choose to stick it out until he slowed down. I'd choose to ride him. I'd choose not to be afraid. But he never got better.

I feel like a failure. I feel like I failed him, and myself. I was such a chicken shit. And, the ex didn't make me feel any better. He decided that one weekend he'd have HIS ex come down to spend the weekend with him, and he wouldn't see me at all. She would even spend the night (not with him, he promised. Whatever). I felt so betrayed. I felt so violated. Most of all, I felt so guilty. Jimi needed me, and I left him to spend time with a guy that didn't value the time we had together like I did. I could have spent that valuable last few weekends with Jimi, but I didn't. I even asked the ex to go see Jimi with me, because it was getting hard and I needed him. He kept telling me next week, until the next week he was gone.

It felt like God was trying to tell me that I was going in the wrong direction, and I really needed to re-evaluate. And, because I was so blind, it was as if God had to take a drastic measure to force me to see.

And now I feel like an animal abuser. I feel neglectful. I feel like a failure. And most of all, I feel like I didn't deserve the wonderful horse that had blessed my life.

I need to come to terms with it, and I hope Jimi doesn't blame me. I know he loved me. I just hope he can forgive me. I will never do it again, I will never put a man in front of my horse. I will never let myself be manipulated again. Most of all, the next man I date exclusively, he'll encourage me to grow in my love of horses, not try to take it away from me.

I miss my horse. Oh my goodness, I miss him. I haven't ridden much since. But, I'm getting back on. Its time to suck it up, and move on. I'm going to start lessons again soon hopefully. And I'm going to get on a big horse. I'm going to ride the ex-racehorse. I'm never going to let my fears rule me. I'm going to do it for Jimi.

So, bring on the butt-chewing. Tell me what I already know. Tell me I didn't deserve him, and I should never own a horse again. The difference between me and most people, however, is I do feel guilty. I do feel horrible. And, I won't own a horse until I know I can be strong. I won't be weak.

There it is. The raw truth. I can't believe I'm publishing this... I feel like I might be featured on Fugly Horse of the Day as a terrible horrible no good very bad horsewoman that shouldn't be allowed to have a fish let alone a horse. I hope not, I love that blog.

Rest in Peace, Jimi.

Dating: Taking a break

I know that most people say they're gonna take a break from dating, and then they get asked on a date and they're all the sudden like "OH EM GEE YES!!!" and I'm not saying I won't do that... But I'm not going to pursue dating people for the time being.

Storm Trooper, one of my wise best friends, has been telling me that when it comes, it comes. It'll be like a best friend entering your life. You won't NOT want to hang out with them. It'll become natural calling them, talking with them and spending time with them. It will feel like they've just entered my life as if they've been there the entire time. I agree with her on this, but its hard waiting on this person to come into your life. But, in due time, they'll come along.

I hung out with Skinny today. He's a great buddy. We went to a movie with his family, and because of his younger cousin, we went to see Ice Age 3. I think its funny, I talked with his Dad for a few minutes and his Dad was like "Come by any time!!!" and his Mom said the same thing. After we went to the movie, we ran a few errands to feed the little one, and then went to his house and watched another movie. When he took me home, we stopped outside to a cul-de-sac we call the "shit pit". He smoked a cig, and I smoked a clove. We lied on his car and talked for a few minutes. He's an entertaining guy. One thing we talked about was a "personal" deal, that I don't really want to type up on the blog, but I agreed to go with him to do some personal business to make him feel better about his body. As well, he's brought up once before if he could kiss me. Skinny is dating one of my little friends (aka, younger than me). She's adorable, but has a LOT of growing up to do. I feel VERY compelled to not kiss him, but I almost want to do it because I feel like if I do it, he'll realize that, though I'm attractive to him and a great buddy, it could be nothing more. But then again, she's my friend, and I'd feel like such a jerk to kiss him, and her to find out somehow. How could I explain to a 15 year old girl that I kissed her boyfriend to get him to understand that there would be nothing going on between us?

Anyway, I told him "maybe" the last time, and when he asked tonight, I told him "eventually". I think I'll end up telling him its against the "Girl's Code".

My favorite Co-worker left today. I cried when I got home. She's an amazing person, and she's the first straight chick I've let to get close to me. When she left today, I gave her a hug, and she told me "this won't be the last time you see me," and that really touched me. I'm going to miss her. I have to say, I admire her, she's a strong and confident woman. Its gonna be hard knowing I won't be able to go to work and close with her anymore. We sang the song "Closing Time" last night when we closed, and it got to the point where the lyrics went "Every new beginning comes from some other beginnings end," and I thought, you know, I am really excited for her new chapter in life, but I hope she'll continue to appear in the next chapters of my life.

When I dated my ex for those three years, he never really let me have any friends that weren't his own. Or, better to put it this way, I never let MYSELF have any friends other than his. And, right now, I've got some REALLY GREAT friends. Friends I've never had before. I want to keep my friends... and right now I'm scared that if I popped into a relationship right now I'd be too weak to keep them. I'm such a flaky person. I've lost so many friends due to my flaky-ness. And, I regret it so much. There are friendships that I wish would have lasted longer, but I was a terrible friend. But you live and you learn.

I love my Boys...

I don't have very many chick friends, and the ones I do have, are gay. I've always wanted a good straight chick friend, but I haven't ever clicked well with straight chicks... well, except my favorite Co-worker, who is leaving in a few days. She's amazing, and if she was single and a few years younger, we'd totally be BFF's.

Anyway, so last night, I went and hung out with my boys: Cali, Youngun, and Skinny. Skinny is... well... skinny, and shorter. Its funny, because when I first met Skinny, I hated him with a severe passion. He's a bit inappropriate, but as soon as you assert your boundaries, he lets off. Youngun, he's a hilarious boy. He's the youngest of our troop, and he's adorable. Too thin for my taste, however. Then Cali... well he looks like a Cali boy. Plaid shorts, bright shirts, and a flat-billed hat pulled to the side with a scene-style haircut. He's a cute guy, but not my type. I tend to like guys with a little "meat" on their bones, otherwise they look weird against me. Both Skinny and Youngun like to express a liking for me, and just recently, so has Cali. I don't mind, its all just fun and games.

I love my boys because of their shenanigans. They are crazy little BOYS. They find random objects and bash them in with rocks, and play pranks on each other constantly. Like last night, after forgetting to get a fork from the drive through, Youngun ran inside, and we drove off. We drove around the parking lot, watching him trying to catch up to us. We eventually let him back in.

Then, of course, there's the things that most people don't appreciate... like mid night honk-and-runs, where Cali (driving) honks the horn at midnight then drives away like a mad-man. I know most older people would read this and go "Oh my goodness, I hate it when people do that!" But, wild and crazy boys will be wild and crazy boys.

Mid-shenanigans, we landed at the grocery store where Cali works, and while hanging there with another friend, Chopsticks, Skinny's best friend ends up showing up with his cousin. I first met Skinny's best friend at Skinny's graduation party a few months ago. We flirted back and forth, and exchanged numbers. I didn't hear from him. I brought it up in a conversation jokingly with Skinny, and he explained that his best friend is very shy when it comes to women.

Anyway, last night I saw him, and I was excited to say the least. I love seeing the people I'm attracted to, because they're few and far between. He wanted to hug me and he put his arm around me for a while. Before leaving, I told him "You better call me this time!"

I always thought I'd be attracted to confidence, but the majority of men that I've met that had the confidence to ask me out ended up being complete assholes. Truthfully, I'm tired of assholes. If I'm actually going to settle down for a little bit, I want to settle with someone that treats me with dignity and respect. (Most definitely not someone who FORCES me to kiss him.) So, I don't see a problem with giving a little extra push to get him to feel confident enough to ask me out. And you know, I don't have a problem asking guys out, though it's against the "rules" (whatever).

The guy from the night previous had texted and called a few times, but I didn't respond. I really don't want to. He's most definitely not my type. What a potential rapist...

Dates thus far being single:

So, for a long time I was in my "hole" (as my bff Funky Monkey always likes to put it). I spent the majority of my time either at home or at work. I had my two, maybe three friends I spoke to, but other than that, I was content to be alone. I liked being in my hole (or at least, you think you like being in your hole), but I was pulled out of it, and I never have looked back. Sometimes, I wonder if there's a reason I can't go back into my hole. I kind of wonder if it was some sort of depression I was going through, or what. I thought I was happy. Funky Monkey told me I wasn't, and she could see it, but I was blind to it. I respect her opinion.

The official marker of be being completely out of my hole is the entrance of my Curly Haired Boy. I met him through Facebook. I'm not usually one to add people I don't know, but I saw a few of my friends knew him, so I thought, why not? After adding him, we exchanged messages which resulted in a date.

Of course, my Mom went over etiquette, like no drinking anything openly given to me, etc. All the nice things girls have to know in order to be safe while dating. I also made sure I had my pocket knife I keep on my key chain, since I don't know really where to find mace. I ended up needing neither. We ended up walking around for a while before heading out to see the movie Up, then he took me to his "thinking spot" which was right next to a lake. Throughout the date, I found out he was still hung up on his ex, who cheated on him a number of times before he finally cut the chord.

The next day, he called (because I told him it was my day off) and we ended up hanging out again. We had a great time, but I kept in mind he was still hung up over his ex. Before he left, he said something that, to my dismay, greatly offended me. He felt it necessary to remind me he was single. A red flag went up.And after that, he seemed to fall off the face of the planet.

I enjoyed his company (baggage and all) so I decided it was my turn to ask him out. I did, and we were going to hang out one day. However, due to "parental problems", he had to flake out on me. He begged for another chance, and finally I gave in to going out again. We hung out at his place for a while and watched a TV series on DVD, then went downtown and shot some pool. I enjoyed myself, to say the least. Then, a few days later, we went to see the new Harry Potter. I ended the whole charade with kissing him, and he asked "what was that for?", and I said "I dunno, I just like kissing you." Then I winked, and went to my car and left.

But, he hasn't called me since. So, I'm letting it rest. I really liked him, and thought he was a great guy, but I guess he's not that into me. And baggage isn't something I need to include in my search of men.

Anyway, so last night, I went to go pick up my car, and found out it wasn't actually ready to be picked up. One of the car sales-men ("28 going onto 12") ended up taking me home. He was too skinny for my taste, but asked me out, so I ended up saying sure.

He didn't really tell me what I had gotten myself into, and he took me to a STRIP CLUB. I had fun for the circumstances up until he tried to force me to kiss him. There will be no second date.


I'll keep you guys posted.

First Post!

One of my frequent reading blogs is called 36 and Single. I loved the fact that a woman was being so strong and forward and putting her whole life into a blog about being single and dating as an adult. Inspired,I emailed her and asked if it was alright to start my own version. Being the sweet woman she is, she gave me the green light.

So, Howdy! I'm Hendrix, and I'm from Central Texas. I'm 18 years old, and the youngest of four children. I have one sister and two brothers. My parents are split, and both have remarried. I am the only one in my family right now that is single.

In February, I had a boyfriend, a horse, and a car. Mid month, I had a beginning-life-crisis. My horse was Jimi, an appendix gelding approximately 15 years old. He was the first horse that was 100 percent mine, and I was estatic. I have wanted a horse since i was itty bitty, and it was nice to have finally obtained my dream. However, I was (and probably still am) a timid rider. He took off with me a few times, so I hadn't had the chance to really get on and ride him.

At the begining of the month, he had been kicked by one of his pasture mates pretty badly, resulting in a nasty leg injury. My boss and stable owner brought him in to be stalled for a period of time. We thought he was on the road to recovery, and I had resolved that once he had gotten better, I'd tough it out and ride him out.

Early morning the 16th, I was traveling down one of the major highways in Central Texas and got into a car accident. An illegal immigrant had left his car in the right hand lane with no emergency lights on or lighting of any sort. I saw him walk across the road, and when I looked back, I saw his car. I hit his car going 65 miles per hour, and ended up in the hospital.

I went home and went to sleep for a few hours. When I awoke, my mom brought me into the dining room, and sat me down.

The news was terrible, and I felt like my life was falling to pieces. All of my dreams had been shattered. A vet had seen Jimi that morning while I was sleeping, and did an X-ray which told us he had a hairline fracture above his knee. There was no way of saving him from blowing out his leg, so it was better for him to go peacefully before it happened.

The vet had given him some pain killers, and they had him standing so that I could come and say goodbye.

My world had crashed all around me, and all that was left to be stable was my not-so-stable boyfriend.

He wasn't sympathetic, to say the least. Jimi was a forbidden subject around him. Any time he saw my face get sad, or mentioned horses and showed pain, he told me not to think about it. He wouldn't let me speak about it. He made a big deal about coming down to see me, but complained that I couldn't drive up to see him anymore. Eventually, we broke up. There was a long list of reasons I broke up with him, but I won't bore you with the details quite yet.

Despite it all, I graduated from high school in June, and now I'm heading to ACC for the fall course. I wanted to go to Texas A&M Corpus, but my school didn't send my transcript in time. My father purchased me another car, but its been in and out of repair since I've bought it. At the moment, I'm without it.

Anyway, hopefully, this will end up being a good release of crazy information that I need to let out SOMEHOW, and I hope, if I get any readers, they'll enjoy it as well.