Friday, June 11, 2010

First day off and ALONE

Its my first day off that Mr. III is working.  We've been having our little problems and its nice to be alone for a bit.  It kind of reminds me of when I was living with Mom and excited for a day off of school where she wasn't around, where I could walk around my house in the nude and watch TV.  Same feeling, different love.  He'll be home in about an hour, but that's okay with me. 
The place is a mess, but I don't want to clean.  Its his second day of work today, and I'm going onto my third week.  I have no sympathy for him, because I work six to eight hours a day while he mostly so far has only worked five hours the last two days.  He's drained me of my last penny, my last cigarette, and I'm feeling used, and unloved at the moment.  Last Tuesday night, we went to south Austin to spend some time with his family because I was off Wednesday, and then instead of being able to see my family and our friends on Wednesday, he had to go clean his old house out.  I was hoping there wasn't much to be done, and we'd be in and out, but no.  He had supposed to have been working on it while I was working the past week, and it looked as if he had nothing but a few boxes packed.  I was pissed.  We spent seven hours of my day off cleaning up the mess.  When we got home, it was too late to go see my mom at the very least, and I just wanted him to leave me alone. 
This is in our first year of dating, we're on our ninth month.  With our moving in together with a lease on hand in a month, I'm not sure if I want to actually commit to all of this.  I'm looking for the reasons we fell in love, and while he's still madly in love with me, I'm falling out of love with him.  I'm losing the spark.  I'm losing it quickly, and I don't know if I can keep the flame going, or if I should just let it die.  I'm 19 now, poor, unhappy, and stuck.  This isn't a good feeling to have. 
At night, he'll want to cuddle and hold my hand, while I just want to go to bed and sleep.  Our sex life is once in a blue moon, and with debt and stress piling up, I don't know if I should cut my losses, or if I should just endure it and see if it will last. 
I did get a job up north, and I'm sure in the next month if I changed my mind, my Dad wouldn't mind me staying with him.  If I did that, I'd pay him rent, buy my own food, and try to just be a person in the room down the hall that just so happens to be his daughter.  I can't move back to south Austin right now, my sister is living with my mom, and due to the drama we had when I was a senior in high school, she's put her foot down to have us both under the same roof together.  Plus, my job is up here, and I have to think about that. 
Truthfully, I'm not sure if a talk would do.  I don't think he could convince me that I love him.  I look back to the pictures of us together on our first few months of dating, and I ask myself, why did I feel that way?  What were the reasons behind my love for him?  I hope this is a phase, but I fear it's not.  I'm scared to break up with him, but I did have a dream a couple of nights where I threw down my ring, and left. 
How, and Can you fix this? 
Should I just endure and wait, or should I think about leaving?

1 comment:

  1. Love is never easy... it is work. But it shouldn't be unhappy work all the time. Mostly it should be very happy times with an unhappy moment here and there. If you're having serious thoughts about leaving, you need to investigate why.

    You are too young to feel trapped at this point. But don't leave him out in the cold. Sit down and tell him everything you've told us...

    Good luck... I'm rooting for you :)

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