Questioning/Goals

I'm not sure that I want to be a vet anymore.


I went in for a job interview at Austin Carriage, which I enjoyed thoroughly. But, I'm not sure if I want the job or not. I don't get weekends off, and I'll be working in the evenings most days. It seems to have a bunch of responsibility as well, if anything happens to the carriage or the horse, it's automatically your fault, no exceptions. As well, you don't get paid until you are finished with training and get your driving record on file, along with a hair follicle test, and a certain licensing by the city.


First off, most of my driving record will probably consist of speeding tickets I've gotten, which aren't many. I think I've had all of two tickets in the duration of me driving. I have a warning, but I'm not sure if that would show up. If it also has accidents, I only have two, and one of them was minor, my mirror broke off and their tail light was broken. The other accident was major, and the other person's fault, and I wasn't ticketed.


Secondly, the hair follicle test bothers me.  I feel like it doesn't give the people who have done drugs, but have sucessfully quit a chance to get through society.


Last, the licensing I don't think would be a huge ordeal. But, still, it could take some time to get, which would be irritating.


So, ideally, you can get it all done in about 2 weeks, as long as you're working hard to get your training finished, and getting your driving record in. But, is it worth it? Should I even attempt it? It does sound like a fun job, but I don't know if it's the right job for me. Even if I decide not to, I'll email her and let her know, just in case one day I'd like to take it up, she'll consider it.


Another thing that worries me, is the whole I won't get a weekend off ever. That, and I'll work from 5 to midnight, every night, pretty much. So, Mr. III and I wouldn't see each other that often. If he had a job that was during the evening, that wouldn't be a problem, but he wants to get a dentistry job as a dental lab technician, which is fine and dandy but I'll probably be leaving for work when he gets home, thus we will never really see each other.


As well, I'm thinking: Is veterinary really for me? The more and more I talk to people about it, the more I hear that veterinarians get callous and numb to animals, and most veterinarians as well, don't care much for the animals, and make mistakes often that cost the animals' lives. If I went into Large Animal Veterinary, I wouldn't get paid for what I was worth, even if I was the best veterinarian out there. They do have a government scholarship for those going into veterinary school to be a large animal vet, which would be nice, but still. I'm not expecting to get rich, that's not my intention, but I would like to be paid what I was worth. That, and I love animals, and most people are telling me that I should just leave it as a hobby.


*sigh* it feels like every job title that isn't a lawyer, doctor, nurse, engineer, or some mix in between all of them, should be left as "a hobby".


So then, what am I to do? What should I do with my life? How will I contribute to the small short lifespan that I have in the blink of existence we call the human race? What will be my contribution to the world?


I'm not satisfied with being just a hum-drum person that, when I die, I get an obituary, my family mourns, but otherwise, no one has, or will ever hear of me. But, I'm no actress. I'm no singer. I'm a writer, I'm a horseback rider. I'm an animal lover. I try to be a friend. I try to be reliable, I try to be dependable. I try to be a good person. I plan on being a good mother. I plan on being a good mentor. I plan on being smart. But, what should I do, so that I'll be able to make it, and do what it takes to make my work so influential and motivational, that people are moved.


What do I do?


There are two things that I would love to do, if it was a good field to go into.


1. Horses. I would love to breed/show horses. However, I know right now I don't know enough, nor do I have the money to properly have horse-babies. I could probably tell which horse should be bred and not, I know genetics decently enough to where I could prevent genetic defects and breed the right type of horse. However, I know I don't have the experience to properly take care of a foal, or a mare in foal. I also know, I am not properly trained to drive a trailer, just in case anything happens. I also know I am not good enough to be a "show rider". This, I know. This, I accept. I would love to learn how, but I don't have the resources to do it, and truthfully, I don't think breeding and selling horses should be some one's only job. They should have a job to supplement their horse practice, so that if anything were to happen, like ending up with HyPP N/H mares, you would be able to have the proper funds to purchase a horse without HyPP. You know what I mean?


Side note. I was reading this story on a website on HyPP because I did a report on it for biology, and this lady who was a breeder was explaining her for-instance on HyPP. She said she would continue to breed her HyPP N/H mares because she "didn't have enough money to purchase a mare that doesn't have HyPP, but once she gets a filly out of one of these mares that is HyPP N/N, she'll retire one of her mares". I felt that was wrong on her part. I don't want to end up like that.


The second thing I would like to do, is I would like to write. Writing has always been a passion of mine, I've always enjoyed doing it. But, I don't like journalism. I actually, hate journalism. With a passion. I used to be a part of my Yearbook in High School, and I loved it, but I don't think I could do it for a living.


Thus, I have no idea what in the heck I'm going to do with myself.


As well, I had a dispute with a friend of mine this weekend. I can't have my puppy up in college, so I'm having a friend look over her for the time being. Well, she's dating a kid that I've known, but had a falling out with because of her. Anyway, I was going to pay her for her troubles, and take her out Friday, but Friday I ended up having that interview/training to see if I wanted the job.  I thought the interview would just be at most an hour, but it ended up lasting until midnight. She didn't tell me that she needed the money to take her boyfriend out for dinner, she had just texted me asking when we could get together. Unable to text her and let her know Friday night, I worried, but ended up coming home with a headache and a backache and was unable to think straight enough to even think about how to sit down, let alone call her. Saturday, due to mothers day obligations, I completely spaced in calling her. Sunday, when we texted her apologizing, she told us she wanted her money for that week, but we would have to make other arrangements for the next week. I flipped out wondering what in the hell I needed to do to keep the puppy safe, and in a good position for the next week. I had just about decided to take her with us when she pulled up and talked to Mr. III. Mr. III had me talk with her, and we made amends. I know I was in the wrong. I am completely aware of this. But I didn't like how she took it. I didn't like the way she treated me. When she first began helping me with the dog, she was talking about spending all the money I was going to give her on the puppy (which we told her no, she should spend it on herself). She gave me the impression as well, that she was doing this night out with her boyfriend the next week, so I thought I had time to get her the money. But, as I said, I know I'm in the wrong. I tried to own up to it, and she just flipped out. Apparently, her boyfriend said "I expected Elise to do that" which bothered me, because I don't recall ever really doing this before while being friends with these people.  I mean, hell, sometimes shit happens.  It wasn't like I wasn't going to pay her.  But, I expected her to be a friend, not a landlord.  *sigh* Lesson learned: Never ever EVER have money matters between your friends and yourself.  If you pay them for something, pay them in advance.  Never accept handouts from friends.  Just keep money out of it.


Lack of communication. Fucking sucks.  Friendships... uhg.


So, I'm a bit weary of her. Her relationship is none of my business, but I feel like it brought a rivet in the middle of our relationship, because he hasn't "forgiven" us for hanging out with her when "He told Mr. III not to talk to her or hang out with her" (I really don't think he told Mr. III, he was grouping Mr. III in with all the guys who wanted to have sex with his girlfriend, not thinking of him as a friend who just wanted his girlfriend to hang out with another chick that she gets along with in the same vicinity of him) And she stepped out of bounds hanging out with the people he told her not to. It was something between them, and I tried to help, and ended up getting bit in the hand. As this whole deal goes on, and he bitches her out about it, she told me she didn't want to get back with him. I know girls at this age don't think through things, and its completely her decision, but it's made hanging out with her very difficult, and has made keeping her as a friend near impossible. She's not allowed to be around any of my friends, where it used to be the both of them would hang out with us on a regular basis. Oh well... I find that we'll attempt to be friends, but it'll be too difficult and we'll end up going our separate ways. I doubt she'll care if the end up breaking up on resurrecting our relationship.


I want to write out my goals, short term and long, for the next few months/years.

Short Term:
1. I'd like to clean myself up. I tend to be a bit of a mess... like my room and stuff. I'd like to become neater.
2. I'd like to get a job that will let me work full time.
3. I'd like to look for a therapist, and begin working on myself. I want to start figuring out what I need to do to get more organized, and reliable. I don't want to be caught in another mess up like what happened this weekend.
4. I want to start reading on and developing study skills.

Long Term:
1. Next semester, Make a 3.5 or better.
2. Encourage Mr. III to obtain his dreams.
3. Get Married.
4. Be Stable.
5. Figure out what I want to be, and attack it with full force in school.

Off for now. Laterz.