Relationships are hard...

I've got a kitty sleeping on my lap at the moment, so I've got to type very very carefully so I don't wake him.

I usually don't have him in my room. Lately, He's been getting out a lot and I don't like him to get outside. Its mainly because this area isn't like my old house, where we had a few acres for him to roam and the road wasn't so close. And he's 11, and losing his sight or hearing, we haven't figured it out yet. Because of this, I don't want him to get hurt. I couldn't see life without Shadow. He's my favorite little buddy.

He's helped me through a lot in life, losing Jimi, all the bad relationships, my parent's divorce. He's always been here. The reason I have him with me right now is last night I had a pretty terrible dream. Someone that was close to me (I want to say my brother, but I'm not sure) had killed someone, and had him in my old house's garage. Then, he proceeded to gut my cat while I was there. It wasn't scary, but it was kind of traumatic. So, I'm spending a bit of time with him while I've got it.

I'm kind of having second thoughts about moving up to the college that Mr. Three goes to. The reasoning behind it, is I'm scared if things go sour, what would happen with school? I'm not doing well at my school at the moment, and I'm not sure how I feel about it. Its stressful with work and school. I can't do it next semester. I just can't work and do school at the same time. It's impossible for me to find time to study.

I'm scared of falling in love with Mr. Three any more than I have. I mean, he's the only guy who hasn't pursued a sexual relationship with me. I'm worried about it actually, I'm not sure if its respect, or if its something else.

Its hard to explain... Its hard to explain...

I'm just tired of being sexually attracted to him, and not receiving back the same excitement. I just don't know...

MindF*ck anyone?

So, on Thursday I went to my high school to say hello to a great and wonderful teacher. It was awesome talking to him, because I've been in a time of severe writers block on my story. Whats great about this teacher, is that you tell him what you've got, and where you can't figure anything out, and then its almost like he reads your mind, and then tells you what he thinks would be awesome to fill in the gaps. So, my mind was buzzing with ideas walking out.

I found out last night that Mr. Three has back dimples. Oh. My. Effing. God. Can this kid be any more of a personal mind fuck for me? Blue eyes, tall, broad shoulders, and EFFING BACK DIMPLES?!?! I'm dying here... Its like the God in the sky made him specifically to make me tick. Oh. My. Lord.

And its not just a physical attraction. He's really sweet, and he's adorable. He's sensitive and he listens pretty well. He's caring, and I just adore every iota of him.

The only problem is, If it ever comes to a time where we would part, I think I'd die. But I don't think that'll happen. He's not as vocal about that he's attracted to me, but I see it in the few words he says on the matter. Like last night, we were outside smoking a cigarette, and he was standing so that the cars couldn't see my exposed legs. He would say "My legs. No." and I would just laugh. He once mentioned that when I walk, he loves to watch. Makes me feel sexy ;).

COLLEGE. EFFING. SUCKS

Every high schooler's dream has happened to me. My College had a small electrical fire and had shut down for nearly a week. Now I've got a weeks worth of homework to catch up on and freak out on.

UGH.

Damnit.

Poem 1

I feel like a bird ruffling its feathers in a feeble attempt to impress,
I feel like the water being pulled by the moon though it much rather stay and rest.
I feel like a tree being swayed by the wind, branches rustling their happy sigh,
I feel like the sunrise breaking through dawn with colors waltzing shades in the sky.

All of these feelings, such seraphic bliss,
Buzz in my brain with your simple kiss.

One Month

Mr. Three and I are coming up on our first month anniversary. I'm rather excited about it, but I don't think this necessarily warrants as a "gift giving" anniversary. Plus, I'm not sure I've got the funds to do so. So, I'm writing a poem of sorts for him, a long with giving him a CD I mixed up for him (lame, I know). I figure he'll enjoy it none-the-less.

The next couple of days, I'll post some of the ones I've been writing, and see what you think.

Hmmm... now lets see if I can find that one that I wrote a while back...

Doesn't look like it. If I can find it, I'll post it.

Tootles.

I'm Feelin... Good....

Though... I'm not feeling so good.

I mean, I don't know what's wrong with me right now. I'm feeling pretty low. i want to feel happy, I want to be exuberant like I have been lately. I think I just need some sleep or something.

I should be studying. I think I'm going to do that.

Goodnight.

Rambling is too hilarious

Looks like I may be heading up to see Mr. Three today and help him out a bit. I found some money to put in my tank, and its just enough to take the trip up there. He told me he'll give me a tank of gas, which I guess is a good exchange. I can take it.

So now, I'm just waiting to hear from him on what we're gonna do tonight.

I miss him already... haha. I'm such a loser.

Friendly Reminder

I'm an extremely social person. I've been realizing more and more lately how much of a butterfly I really on the inside am. I've never felt more satisfied and more fulfilled in my life. The only thing I wish I could put time in for is horseback riding.

Since Jimi died, I've ridden a few times, just not consistantly. I feel the desperate need to pick up my saddles, so that I have them if ever the opportunity rises. I think once I get some money for gas, I'll make the trip.

Oh, another thing, gas stations suck ass. I run on a VERY limited budget. I don't make enough to really sustain myself, and I tend to live a bit beyond my means (which is a problem I'm finding solutions to). Budgeting on my kind of paycheck is relatively difficult. I don't understand how some family's make it on such a low income. Anyway, about two weeks ago, I was in my rental car, and a tree hanging too far into the road was just thick enough so that, when I hit it, it took off my sideview mirror. The rental company didn't offer insurance because they were working with a carlot, so I was majorly screwed. That would have set me back a whole $250, but I found Advanced Autos, which gave me the sideview mirror for just about 90 bucks. That, and I felt obliged to pay off the rest of my VS card (which I should have just put a bit over the minimum balance instead) and then I decided to treat myself to some fast food one morning taking my friends to school (who I lovingly call my boys, I tend to Mother them a bit). Gas was a doozie, and eats up a lot of my money, but other then that I didn't spend much of it. So, I called my card to see how much I had left, and then realized I didn't have any money. I was like, WTF? I have more money than this, I know it. Then, I realized that when you use the pump instead of going inside and telling the guy inside the ammount, they charge some obscene ammount, (75 dollars to be exact) and then reimburse you five days later. So, I don't have much money until wednesday.

Also, I'm working on the college thing. Submitting my application, housing application, and financial aid papers to the school in the morning. I'm not sure if I can fax it in, and if I can, then I think I'll go to my mom's work and see if she can help me do it.

Going up there this weekend to see Mr. Three was amazing, but tough. I think the only problem I had with it is that he likes to pay for me. When I found out about the bank statement, he called me. He asked me if he could help me. These are all sweet things. What they say to me is that he cares a lot about me, and would rather loan/give me gas money then see me suffer. But I'm stubborn, and I hate letting him take me out to eat and to rescue me when I'm in trouble. I think its just me overemphasizing that the reason I'm with him isn't because he's well established, or morely has been raised in the well-embellished lifestyle. Its more because for some unrelenting reason, I've fallen for his boyish charm. I watched Step-woman take and take from my father, and it's more watching him pay for a new-remodling and such so that she can be happy to live in a beautiful house, and I watched him love her instead of paying any attention to me at all. Don't get me wrong, I love my Dad to pieces. He does a lot for me. But, I kind of wish he'd help me more through college.

Anyway, more later.

Sweeeet Weekend Planned

Tomorrow I have no class. Instead, I'm getting my car back from the shop (it's been a month!) and also, after work, I'm heading up to see Mr. Three. He makes me happy :).

I just... need to keep my hands to myself. He knows how to rile me up, and I'm kind of worried about him using that to his advantage... well actually I don't mind at all, I'd love to get intimate and go to the next level with him. However, if he doesn't start it, I don't want to. I asked him out, he gets to go through with the rest. Plus, he's the one who wanted to take it slow. I just wonder how things will play out.

I have a card with Victoria's Secret, which I'm really excited about having. I payed off my remaining balance today, and then purchased some nice new trinkets. They're green, and adorable. However, they're not push-up, like I usually like, but I think it'll be nice to have a different type of bra a long with my more sexual bits of lingerie.

Apparently, I'm a sensual type of person, as said by a friend of mine from school. It kind of makes sense, I wear my sexuality on my sleeve. Even when I tune it down, or even off, I still come off a bit more sensual. I have a deeper feminine voice, and it's a bit husky as well. I've also been told that I would make a great sex operator. Which... is gross... but hilarious. I dunno. It's time to stop talking on this subject. Anyway, good night guys! I'll blog either tomorrow or Sunday.

Squee!!!!!

Its been all of two short weeks since Mr Three and I started dating. Feels like longer... I mean, I guess we've been talking for about a month, and then I've had a big crush on him since... well... forever... so that's probably why. He's at school, and I won't see him this weekend, so I'll miss him, but I've got a lot of stuff I'm going to do this weekend to keep my mind off of him not being here. Plus, schoolwork. Lots. And. Lots. Of. Schoolwork.

I'm sending my application to college this week, once I get my transcript. I think I'll go by there before work to request it, and pick it up tomorrow. I have to write a College Essay as well, but that won't take me too long.

Tootles.

Fun Story Time!!!

So, while at ACC, I've told this story a billion times. Today I was actually requested to tell it. I love this story, and more than anything, I love to tell it. So, I figured I'd type it out on the blog and see what you two followers think.

So, when I was younger, my brother was a man-whore. One day, I had a day off and wasn't too particularly social, so I was downstairs watching TV in the living room. My brother's room was right above the living room. He walked in that morning with a girl, and was like "Hey, this is so and so." I said hi, and then he took her upstairs. Within a few minutes, all I could hear was the noises of rough, dirty coitus. I just turned up the TV, and tuned it out.

After about an hour or so, she left, and then he came back with another chick. The same thing happened. "Hey, this is so-and-so," then they'd be upstairs knocking boots.

So, then she leaves, and he comes back with a THIRD chick. "Hey, this is so-and-so," and then the rough sex insued. After walking the third one out, he came inside, pointed at me, and then went into the back yard. He lit a cigarette, and said simply "Today was a good day."

There was this girl at my old high school that was known as a HUGE slut. So, when my brother met her and asked if I knew her, I let him know. He said "Awesome!" and then pursued it. Like I knew she would, she slept with him without wanting a commitment. So, my brother of course "dumped" her a few weeks later.

One evening, we were smoking outside, when he gets this phone call from her. He puts it on speakerphone, and says "Sup?"

All that was heard was this slurpp kkkk slurp then she said "This is me sucking of another guy."

My brother retorted "Are you really that much of a whore?" but she had hung up. I told him I'd get her back.

When I went to school the next morning, I found her where she always was, in the cafeteria. I walked up behind her and began making the same noises I heard the night previous, moving my head up and down over a fisted hand. After the cafeteria got quiet, I looked at her and said "Don't fucking suck off some random ass john and call my brother you slut! Oh and by the way, he must be reallllly small if you can fit him in your mouth AND speak at the same time." And with that, I walked off.

Later that day, she walked up to me wanting to fight. She was shorter than me, and itty bitty, so I agreed. We walked outside, and she put up her fists. I grabbed the back of her head and slammed it into my knee, and she toppled to the ground. She was down for the count, so I left to class. I was called into the principal's office just a few minutes later, where he asked me what had happened, and I told him the whole story. He stared me down intensely, his hand on his chin. When I finished, a few seconds of silence passed, before he chuckled, and said "No way, she didn't call your brother while sucking off another dude... she couldn't have!" I nodded my head, and he looked over both of our high school records.

"Well, I'll let you off, get back to class." he said, and I went back into class. It was an amazing day, to say the least.

Its a vulgar story, but I love telling it none the less. That chick was a SLUT. No joke. I just don't understand how girls can do that! Not even be dating a dude, and having sex with anything that moves. I mean, I've been known to move a bit fast in my relationships, but all in all, I've been lucky. I've had long term relationships for the majority of my life. I don't plan on changing that any time soon.

I was young and feisty, and I don't think I'd ever do anything like that ever again, but it's always an entertaining story to tell.

Its hardest when he leaves...

I had a great weekend with Mr. Three. Things haven't moved quickly at all, but that's okay. I'm having a hard time with it going so slow, even though I know its for the best. Most guys by this time have been like "Hey Elise" *hand on inner thigh* "Lets make out"... and he's just not that way. We have had a few intense kisses, but we haven't even made out yet. Its refreshing, but frustrating at the same time. This boy is GORGEOUS. Oh my goodness... and truthfully there are so many things I'd love to do to this boy, but it's all about time. Its for the best... I just keep telling myself to relax.

It makes it easier since we're so far apart. It would be OH MY GOODNESS so hard if he actually stayed down here.. and went to school down here. So for that, I'm thankful.

He's amazing. Truthfully. Amazing. He knocks me off my feet. He's classy, smart, sweet as sugar, so caring, and understanding. I can tell him everything... I have told him everything. He has me completely raw and jaded. I couldn't be happier. I really couldn't.

I saw my ex the other day, he was behind me in his car when I was turning to get onto Mopac the other day. It spooked me. I literally started having a panic attack. Luckily, Mr Three was in the car with me to calm me down. He did tell me that I need to get over my fear of the ex, but it's not simple. The things he put me through, and the abuse, and power he had over me... It's difficult. But, Mr. Three is right.

Mr. Three also met the parentals. My Mom likes him a lot, she even asked me if we had kissed yet, because she wanted to make sure things were progressing nicely. That's very odd... When she found out the ex and I were knocking boots she just about shit a brick. But I guess that's different. My Dad, when saying goodbye to us, told him he could come back any time. BIG DEAL. He's never said that to any of my old boyfriends. I am thoroughly impressed.

I just hope things can stick around and hold. I adore him. I really do.

The Bomb Dropped...

Mr. Three is wonderful, don't get me wrong, but he dropped a bomb on me lately that has me sitting back confused. Sadly enough, I can't fully divulge in the reasoning behind it.

Lets just say, we might not be together for very long.

He's hit a crossroad in his life, and I guess I'm a "test" for him. He told me he enjoys the late night conversations, and speaking about the future plans that we may have, but there's something that may end up pulling us apart, which makes me nervous. I kind of wish that I could crack open his skull and see what's inside, but part of me knows that these things come in time.

I'm taking it a day at a time, and I pray for him every chance I get. I adore him, and I hope he can find peace soon. We're taking things extremely slow due to this variable, and though I would love to rip off his clothing, I respect his space and his needs.

I just hope it all goes well.

This chapter of my life is called "Happiness"

Its like that moment in the Pursuit of Happiness, except on a lesser scale.

I was shaking like a leaf. I told him, "I have something I want to tell you, I just don't know how to say it." We talked about other things...

Then I divulged.

"You know I have the biggest crush on you, right?" I told him. He gave me this look, and said "yes, I know," and I just answered, "You make me happy..." He looked at me, and kissed me three or four times (I lost count, my head was spinning)...

He told me...

"The answer to your question is yes".

Yessssssssssss

Uhg... Drama

The ex commented on a picture of me on facebook, and I can't see the picture or the comments. It perturbed me, and has me wondering what was said. At the same time, I don't want to know. I don't want to be involved. I just want him out of my life.

And now, I'm wondering if I should warn Skinny's best friend, now affectionately called Mr. Three, about having a psycho ex boyfriend. I kind of just want to wait it out and see how it goes, because I know if anything happens, Mr. Three will most definitely defend my honor above all else, and ignore my ex's allegations. But at the same time, I'm not sure what he'd think of it all. He's a pretty drama free individual, and I don't want to bring drama to him.

Uhg. Lets see what happens...

Its been a while

I haven't blogged in a long ass time. School, work, and a social life has taken its toll on me. I love it, I won't lie.

So finally I find a break in my life, or really, I had to get a paper finished for tomorrow, so I had to be home to do it. So far, I love college, and it seems like College loves me. Skinny's best friend and I are doing okay, we aren't official, but we have been talking over the phone until the early morning the last few nights :). I'm planning on telling him how I feel this weekend, when he comes down. I have a nice approach to this, that I think will work for a good, honest answer.

I was talking with my really good friend Kippy about it, and he told me I should say "I've been thinking about you lately, and I really enjoy your company. I just don't know how much thought I should put in it because I don't know how you feel towards me."

I think its brilliant, I just need to make sure I say it right. I probably will jumble it up a bit, but I think that's okay...

I'll end up blogging about it, I promise :).

FML

Skinny's best friend sucks.

It was nice while it lasted, but I don't see it going anywhere. So, I'm cutting it off. Not that I couldn't date him, but he doesn't want to date me. Its just apparent. So I'll probably start blogging again.

In College. I love it.

Cracker and I would like to say hello

I've got Skinny's bird, Cracker, and he's on my shoulder as I'm typing. He's a pretty chill bird. He keeps pecking at the back of my neck and I swear... goosebumps...

Anyway, I've been doing well. My boy's are going to come home tomorrow and I'm really excited. My mom is really pissed because she found out that I've been spending my money rather than saving it... but the Rich Dad Poor Dad people say you shouldn't be saving (wtf?) rather, you should be spending.

Truthfully, I've never really had money before. I've always been trying to purchase a horse or something of the sort, and its like now that I can spend the money on myself, I'm being chewed out about it.

I understand about saving. It makes a lot of sense. I just don't like to. I like the finer things in life. I like having a couple of bucks to allow me to feel good about myself. But it's just not possible.

*sigh* this is the last bit of money that I'm gonna have to spend... and I'm spending it on someone other than myself.

Bummer.

Car Trouble Blues...

My car is BACK in the shop AGAIN for MORE repairs. I feel naked without it. Oh well.

Skinny's best friend told them that he doesn't know if he likes me or not, which to me is an answer within itself. I don't know what to think about it. But, like most guys that end up refusing to date me, later on he'll regret it.

I dunno, even if he doesn't, I don't care. I feel like I'm wasting my prime away by not having someone to cuddle with.

CHB and I were supposed to hang out today, but since I have no car, I had to flake. I told him I was flaking, however. He hasn't texted me back.

As of work, work's fine... just a whole lot of nothing.

And Sweet Pea, I would totally go for your offer on a new or used car if I lived around that area. I'm sick of mine already....

Day 2: slowly feeling better

I've had a few people talk to me about boys lately. Mainly, I'm starting to feel that spark with someone, and I don't know if he feels the same spark back.

I got accepted into A&M Corpus, so I don't know if I'll be here for much longer than six months. I've been single since I think March, and its not a big deal, but I still want to enjoy someone closely.

I don't want to rush into anything. I want to wait it out and enjoy my single life as long as possible. However, you do end up missing that close cuddlyness that you get with a person you like a lot.

I guess it's just time to wait everything out. Enjoy every moment you have with people, and thank them for their gifts as they give them to you, even the ones that aren't possessions.

I've learned a lot with Skinny's best friend. Like, that I deserve a boy that doesn't pressure me for sex. I deserve a guy that respects me. Most of all, I deserve more than the guys I've dated lately. I really thank him for teaching me that.

Shadow, my kitty, is adorable. And I love him to death. He's trying to cuddle with me now. I guess I'll oblige :).

Day one: Seperation anxiety

All of my boys are gone. They're all taking a vacation that I was invited on, but unlike them, I have a job, and thus couldn't go. Sad day.

We have this stupid customer appreciation weekend, and plus, one of my co-workers is getting married. On top of all of that, the frosting, if you will, is they didn't give me ANY time to ask off. None. ziltch. So I'm stuck all alone in this stupid town.

And its just like, why can't I just get some friends that are exactly like them to hang out with for the week?

I hate being left behind.

Junky for your love <333

Oh. Em. Gee.

That's the only thing that's running through my head right now. I can't sleep. I can't do anything, but just enjoy this... gosh... this high that I haven't ever really felt... ever.

Skinny's best friend. He's... Amazing. Skinny, his best friend and I went to I-hop (they woke me up around 1:30 and was like "HEY GET YOUR ASS OUT OF BED") and had a midnight snack, and ended up hanging out until just now, of which I'm sitting in my bed with just, this crazy feeling buzzing my brain.

Its not love... yet... but its a serious like.

We talked and talked, and we went outside for a cig (and myself a clove) and I ended up holding hands with him... and before we had to leave, he left me with one simple sweet kiss.

Oh, it's more than I could ask for.

And we were sitting around talking to this guy who was 50 and telling us about how he lost his leg and his foot, and how they told him he had an hour to live (four years ago) and we laughed and enjoyed his company. He mentioned he wished they made women like me when he was our age, and we just simply laughed. At the end of the night, before we left, he said "Treat her right, or I will" which made me laugh... but all I can think right now is "Oh. My. Goodness."

Most guys seriously try to get in my pants the first date. CHB was like that. The ex was.. well.. not necessarily like that but soon after we started "dating" he was pressuring me for it. I don't think he's that type of guy. He's sweet, and gentle, and he's so so very shy.

Though, the only worry I have with it is that his best friend is my best friend, and I don't want to lose my friendships over a relationship. I guess if we decide to cross that barrier, we'll take it slow. My brother and his wife did that, and they ended up marrying... which I'm not even THINKING about that, but... still...

I feel so alive, and so tired. I better get to bed...

<3333

Kitty loving

Maybe someone could explain to me how older women can have sex without freaking out afterward.

I went and saw CHB the other night, and I enjoy his company, but realize that he's nothing special that I want to keep in my life permanently. Though he's fun to kiss and hug and cuddle with, I don't think we could ever have a deep intimate relationship.

And, it had me thinking, though I'm not really sexually pent up or anything, could I go "all the way" with this guy?

The more and more I think about it, the more and more I think I could, but I don't really want to. I feel like the dude of the relationship (if you could call it a "relationship"). Like I would end up shoving him aside once someone bigger and better came around, and breaking his poor little heart.

I mean, I don't need a boyfriend. I have my kitty when I need to snuggle and I've got my boys for when I feel social. Though, I would like a little intimacy. Some kissing, some cuddling, and maybe something more. I feel like its too much to ask.

And I guess it'll come when the time's right, and I shouldn't rush into anything just in case I regret it... but I feel like I'm wasting my time. Everyone at work, my family, and my boys all have someone to love. When is it my turn again?

That's the reason I went back to my ex. I was tired of being alone. I was tired of feeling lonely. I was tired of not being happy. So, I went back to him to feed my addiction for love. I found out it wasn't what I expected.

Truthfully, I don't need a relationship. I don't need sex. I don't need kissing, and my kitty is a good enough cuddle to enjoy. So I guess I just talked myself out of it...

Good thing...

Partay!!!

Sorry I haven't blogged lately, I've been busy playing with the boys! We've been having late nights, quite literally, and I haven't been happier.

Yesterday, the boys and I went to the mall, and there was this REALLY cute guy at Zumiez, and I wrote down my number, and Skinny gave it to him for me. He hasn't called me yet, but I figure its that 3 day rule, and even if it isn't, it was nice to have put myself out there.

OH, and at the mall I ran into my ex's little sister. We locked eyes and she waved and I waved back. I felt a little pang of hurt, but it wasn't anything too seriously heart-wrenching. It just takes some time... (Jimmy Eats World)

We've been having a BLAST though, and I haven't been home except to sleep. I love it. It drives my mom crazy, though. She doesn't like the fact I'm hanging out with a whole bunch of guys that are dating other girls. But I don't care. They're just friends. She's just weird like that I guess.

Skinny's mom is Latina, and she makes THE BEST food EVER. I mean, quite literally the BEST Mexican cuisine I've tasted. I get full, and just... continue eating. I'm not usually a fan of Mexican, but DAMN.

Other than that, the single life has been nothing but hanging out with my friends and sleeping (and working sometimes). I haven't found anyone yet, and truthfully, I don't know if I want to date someone. I'm having entirely to much fun being single.

I got my nose pierced. It looks great, and it doesn't hurt all that much. The initial piercing actually hurt the most out of all my piercings (I had my tongue done, but took it out recently, then I have three holes on the lower part of my ears, and also my right conch twice). My mom doesn't know yet, but then again, I don't think she'd flip out too much. All the girls at my work have them (except the noobie) so my work should be fine with it.

On another note, I can't believe people are trying to cash out on Michael Jackson's death. I'm watching TV and the commercial for the commemorative Michael Jackson lithographs, and its really just sickening. I'm tired of all of this publicity. They should just let him rest in peace.

And the ridiculous Goslin fiasco. NO ONE GIVES TWO SHITS. I mean, seriously? Seriously? It's their drama, the whole world doesn't need to know about it.

I hope I never get famous.

Late Night Thoughts...

I'm up late tonight and can't really sleep, so I'm publishing my current thoughts on my life at the moment.

Its like the song "I can feel it coming in the air tonight" except it isn't about how horrible a person is, its about how I can just feel it. I feel this presence of someone that is going to pop into my life soon that is going to alter the way I think, and its frustrating sitting in this limbo going, "when are you going to strut your way into my life?"

I think I'm a catch. I am slightly narcissistic, I won't lie, but at the same time in order to have confidence you almost have to be slightly narcissistic. Plus, I'm at a point in my life where its not such a bad thing. I care about other people, and I do try to do what's best for more than just myself, but when it comes down to it, I'd rather be happy then you. I went down the road where I gutted all my feelings in order to spare someone Else's with my ex, and it just brought me down a road I didn't really want to be on, in a car that was about to break down. Oh, and on top of that, cricket mobile doesn't have any signal there. Bummer.

He was always at burger king trying to get it his way, but I'm not a king. Hell, I'm not even the queen. I wanted it MY way. I bent on a lot of things for him, and I really tried to make it work. But there's two sides to a relationship. There's two sets of feelings that are being pushed and pulled. One person can't give up the majority of their life to appease the other, while the other walks all over the person they say they "love".

I can just feel this bone-crushing love just whisking me off my feet, and I feel like its going to be soon, but I don't want to wait for it. Maybe tomorrow, maybe next week, who knows. All I know, is that I don't think its CHB and I don't think it's Skinny's BFF. (BTW, I think if Skinny's BFF would give me a chance, he'd really like me. But men are complicated, and I tend to be attracted to the ones who are looking for little nerdy anime like girls, and I'm a laid back loud mouthed princess.)

I met Youngun's GF today, and I really like her. She has three horses, which automatically registers awesome in my book. I think we'll plan a girl's night out sometime when the boy's have their boy's night out... and I'm not invited. For the most part, I'm just as much of a dude as any of them, so they include me in on the boy's nights.

Which brings me to another problem. I thought guys would like a chick that can keep up with them. I thought guys would be looking for not just a lover, but a buddy. And, the more and more I look into it, the more and more I realize that, it might not be the case. I guess they want a girl they can have to show off, but won't want to keep up with the guys. I don't know anymore. It's all just really complicated.

Life. Is. Hard. To. Figure. Out.

And It's hard to feel comfortable in your own shoes when you're made to wear high heels.

School... School.. More School...

I'm trying to get into ACC because my high school didn't send my transcript in time to A&M Corpus, and its getting frustrating.
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I need a stupid transcript to give to ACC and I submitted my request to get one on friday (which is the day they took off). I left it Monday for them to complete it and went by today, but they hadn't finished it yet. "It'll be done after one" she told me. I have work at 1:15... I guess I'll be a little late.

My Mom has been breathing down my neck about it, and so I left pretty upset.

I'm just tired of this school's office staff. I mean, for real... could they dick me around any more? When I was transferring from my old school to the new school, we tried to get all the information squared away, and my Mom and Step-dad were going to Alaska the first week of school. We tried to register early, but no one told us there was a deadline, and we missed it by a day. So, they told us to get a notarized statement saying my sister was my legal guardian while my Mom was gone, so that my sister could enroll me in school. The first day of school, they STILL tried to turn me away. I told them they couldn't do it. I snapped at them. My sister was like "DAY-UM!" and I just laughed. I wasn't about to be turned away.

And they've been trouble ever since. I miss my old high school's office staff. They were the bomb-diggity.

Nothing's really going on in the dating world. I've just been hanging out a lot with Skinny. I might again tonight. He's a hoot and a half.

Short post today. I start riding Thursday.

Jimi Hendrix...

I've spent a lot of time lately thinking about Jimi. Its time to process the hurt, and its time to sit and think hard about him and his death.

Jimi was an ex racehorse. He was a bit sway backed, but it didn't bother me at all.

I feel, in a way, Jimi's death was God's way of telling me I was going the wrong way. Desperate for some sort of male attention, I started to date my ex again, after a long period of time that I had no one in my life. A few weeks later, Jimi got hurt. I was mucking out the stalls one evening, and I looked out the window to admire my steed. I noticed he was holding one of his front legs oddly, so I went to investigate. I saw a deep gash, so I went to grab his halter and take him out of his pasture to clean him up. He wouldn't put any weight on it at all. Panicked, I went to get my boss. She helped me get him down the hill and helped me clean him up and we put him in a stall. She said he would get better, and he might just be a bit dramatic.

I knew I should have been spending every moment like I had weeks previous with Jimi, and more especially now that he was hurt, but I didn't because I felt obligated to spend time with the ex. I don't know how he got such control over me. I felt guilty not spending the weekend with him, and the ranch was a good half hour drive away, and it took out a huge chunk of my day that the ex made me feel like I should be spending with him.

I'm going to back up really quick. I didn't really ride Jimi ever. I mean, I had a few times, but he took off with me, and I fell off of him, yada yada yada, and I was too scared to ride him. My boss told me she would help me out and try to train him down, (and myself up) but with students, a full time job, and horses to train, she didn't have much time to work on him as well. I got one great ride on him before he got hurt.

Anyway, I promised him and myself that, when he got better, I'd just get on him and ride. I'd choose not to fall off. I'd choose to stick it out until he slowed down. I'd choose to ride him. I'd choose not to be afraid. But he never got better.

I feel like a failure. I feel like I failed him, and myself. I was such a chicken shit. And, the ex didn't make me feel any better. He decided that one weekend he'd have HIS ex come down to spend the weekend with him, and he wouldn't see me at all. She would even spend the night (not with him, he promised. Whatever). I felt so betrayed. I felt so violated. Most of all, I felt so guilty. Jimi needed me, and I left him to spend time with a guy that didn't value the time we had together like I did. I could have spent that valuable last few weekends with Jimi, but I didn't. I even asked the ex to go see Jimi with me, because it was getting hard and I needed him. He kept telling me next week, until the next week he was gone.

It felt like God was trying to tell me that I was going in the wrong direction, and I really needed to re-evaluate. And, because I was so blind, it was as if God had to take a drastic measure to force me to see.

And now I feel like an animal abuser. I feel neglectful. I feel like a failure. And most of all, I feel like I didn't deserve the wonderful horse that had blessed my life.

I need to come to terms with it, and I hope Jimi doesn't blame me. I know he loved me. I just hope he can forgive me. I will never do it again, I will never put a man in front of my horse. I will never let myself be manipulated again. Most of all, the next man I date exclusively, he'll encourage me to grow in my love of horses, not try to take it away from me.

I miss my horse. Oh my goodness, I miss him. I haven't ridden much since. But, I'm getting back on. Its time to suck it up, and move on. I'm going to start lessons again soon hopefully. And I'm going to get on a big horse. I'm going to ride the ex-racehorse. I'm never going to let my fears rule me. I'm going to do it for Jimi.

So, bring on the butt-chewing. Tell me what I already know. Tell me I didn't deserve him, and I should never own a horse again. The difference between me and most people, however, is I do feel guilty. I do feel horrible. And, I won't own a horse until I know I can be strong. I won't be weak.

There it is. The raw truth. I can't believe I'm publishing this... I feel like I might be featured on Fugly Horse of the Day as a terrible horrible no good very bad horsewoman that shouldn't be allowed to have a fish let alone a horse. I hope not, I love that blog.

Rest in Peace, Jimi.

Dating: Taking a break

I know that most people say they're gonna take a break from dating, and then they get asked on a date and they're all the sudden like "OH EM GEE YES!!!" and I'm not saying I won't do that... But I'm not going to pursue dating people for the time being.

Storm Trooper, one of my wise best friends, has been telling me that when it comes, it comes. It'll be like a best friend entering your life. You won't NOT want to hang out with them. It'll become natural calling them, talking with them and spending time with them. It will feel like they've just entered my life as if they've been there the entire time. I agree with her on this, but its hard waiting on this person to come into your life. But, in due time, they'll come along.

I hung out with Skinny today. He's a great buddy. We went to a movie with his family, and because of his younger cousin, we went to see Ice Age 3. I think its funny, I talked with his Dad for a few minutes and his Dad was like "Come by any time!!!" and his Mom said the same thing. After we went to the movie, we ran a few errands to feed the little one, and then went to his house and watched another movie. When he took me home, we stopped outside to a cul-de-sac we call the "shit pit". He smoked a cig, and I smoked a clove. We lied on his car and talked for a few minutes. He's an entertaining guy. One thing we talked about was a "personal" deal, that I don't really want to type up on the blog, but I agreed to go with him to do some personal business to make him feel better about his body. As well, he's brought up once before if he could kiss me. Skinny is dating one of my little friends (aka, younger than me). She's adorable, but has a LOT of growing up to do. I feel VERY compelled to not kiss him, but I almost want to do it because I feel like if I do it, he'll realize that, though I'm attractive to him and a great buddy, it could be nothing more. But then again, she's my friend, and I'd feel like such a jerk to kiss him, and her to find out somehow. How could I explain to a 15 year old girl that I kissed her boyfriend to get him to understand that there would be nothing going on between us?

Anyway, I told him "maybe" the last time, and when he asked tonight, I told him "eventually". I think I'll end up telling him its against the "Girl's Code".

My favorite Co-worker left today. I cried when I got home. She's an amazing person, and she's the first straight chick I've let to get close to me. When she left today, I gave her a hug, and she told me "this won't be the last time you see me," and that really touched me. I'm going to miss her. I have to say, I admire her, she's a strong and confident woman. Its gonna be hard knowing I won't be able to go to work and close with her anymore. We sang the song "Closing Time" last night when we closed, and it got to the point where the lyrics went "Every new beginning comes from some other beginnings end," and I thought, you know, I am really excited for her new chapter in life, but I hope she'll continue to appear in the next chapters of my life.

When I dated my ex for those three years, he never really let me have any friends that weren't his own. Or, better to put it this way, I never let MYSELF have any friends other than his. And, right now, I've got some REALLY GREAT friends. Friends I've never had before. I want to keep my friends... and right now I'm scared that if I popped into a relationship right now I'd be too weak to keep them. I'm such a flaky person. I've lost so many friends due to my flaky-ness. And, I regret it so much. There are friendships that I wish would have lasted longer, but I was a terrible friend. But you live and you learn.

I love my Boys...

I don't have very many chick friends, and the ones I do have, are gay. I've always wanted a good straight chick friend, but I haven't ever clicked well with straight chicks... well, except my favorite Co-worker, who is leaving in a few days. She's amazing, and if she was single and a few years younger, we'd totally be BFF's.

Anyway, so last night, I went and hung out with my boys: Cali, Youngun, and Skinny. Skinny is... well... skinny, and shorter. Its funny, because when I first met Skinny, I hated him with a severe passion. He's a bit inappropriate, but as soon as you assert your boundaries, he lets off. Youngun, he's a hilarious boy. He's the youngest of our troop, and he's adorable. Too thin for my taste, however. Then Cali... well he looks like a Cali boy. Plaid shorts, bright shirts, and a flat-billed hat pulled to the side with a scene-style haircut. He's a cute guy, but not my type. I tend to like guys with a little "meat" on their bones, otherwise they look weird against me. Both Skinny and Youngun like to express a liking for me, and just recently, so has Cali. I don't mind, its all just fun and games.

I love my boys because of their shenanigans. They are crazy little BOYS. They find random objects and bash them in with rocks, and play pranks on each other constantly. Like last night, after forgetting to get a fork from the drive through, Youngun ran inside, and we drove off. We drove around the parking lot, watching him trying to catch up to us. We eventually let him back in.

Then, of course, there's the things that most people don't appreciate... like mid night honk-and-runs, where Cali (driving) honks the horn at midnight then drives away like a mad-man. I know most older people would read this and go "Oh my goodness, I hate it when people do that!" But, wild and crazy boys will be wild and crazy boys.

Mid-shenanigans, we landed at the grocery store where Cali works, and while hanging there with another friend, Chopsticks, Skinny's best friend ends up showing up with his cousin. I first met Skinny's best friend at Skinny's graduation party a few months ago. We flirted back and forth, and exchanged numbers. I didn't hear from him. I brought it up in a conversation jokingly with Skinny, and he explained that his best friend is very shy when it comes to women.

Anyway, last night I saw him, and I was excited to say the least. I love seeing the people I'm attracted to, because they're few and far between. He wanted to hug me and he put his arm around me for a while. Before leaving, I told him "You better call me this time!"

I always thought I'd be attracted to confidence, but the majority of men that I've met that had the confidence to ask me out ended up being complete assholes. Truthfully, I'm tired of assholes. If I'm actually going to settle down for a little bit, I want to settle with someone that treats me with dignity and respect. (Most definitely not someone who FORCES me to kiss him.) So, I don't see a problem with giving a little extra push to get him to feel confident enough to ask me out. And you know, I don't have a problem asking guys out, though it's against the "rules" (whatever).

The guy from the night previous had texted and called a few times, but I didn't respond. I really don't want to. He's most definitely not my type. What a potential rapist...

Dates thus far being single:

So, for a long time I was in my "hole" (as my bff Funky Monkey always likes to put it). I spent the majority of my time either at home or at work. I had my two, maybe three friends I spoke to, but other than that, I was content to be alone. I liked being in my hole (or at least, you think you like being in your hole), but I was pulled out of it, and I never have looked back. Sometimes, I wonder if there's a reason I can't go back into my hole. I kind of wonder if it was some sort of depression I was going through, or what. I thought I was happy. Funky Monkey told me I wasn't, and she could see it, but I was blind to it. I respect her opinion.

The official marker of be being completely out of my hole is the entrance of my Curly Haired Boy. I met him through Facebook. I'm not usually one to add people I don't know, but I saw a few of my friends knew him, so I thought, why not? After adding him, we exchanged messages which resulted in a date.

Of course, my Mom went over etiquette, like no drinking anything openly given to me, etc. All the nice things girls have to know in order to be safe while dating. I also made sure I had my pocket knife I keep on my key chain, since I don't know really where to find mace. I ended up needing neither. We ended up walking around for a while before heading out to see the movie Up, then he took me to his "thinking spot" which was right next to a lake. Throughout the date, I found out he was still hung up on his ex, who cheated on him a number of times before he finally cut the chord.

The next day, he called (because I told him it was my day off) and we ended up hanging out again. We had a great time, but I kept in mind he was still hung up over his ex. Before he left, he said something that, to my dismay, greatly offended me. He felt it necessary to remind me he was single. A red flag went up.And after that, he seemed to fall off the face of the planet.

I enjoyed his company (baggage and all) so I decided it was my turn to ask him out. I did, and we were going to hang out one day. However, due to "parental problems", he had to flake out on me. He begged for another chance, and finally I gave in to going out again. We hung out at his place for a while and watched a TV series on DVD, then went downtown and shot some pool. I enjoyed myself, to say the least. Then, a few days later, we went to see the new Harry Potter. I ended the whole charade with kissing him, and he asked "what was that for?", and I said "I dunno, I just like kissing you." Then I winked, and went to my car and left.

But, he hasn't called me since. So, I'm letting it rest. I really liked him, and thought he was a great guy, but I guess he's not that into me. And baggage isn't something I need to include in my search of men.

Anyway, so last night, I went to go pick up my car, and found out it wasn't actually ready to be picked up. One of the car sales-men ("28 going onto 12") ended up taking me home. He was too skinny for my taste, but asked me out, so I ended up saying sure.

He didn't really tell me what I had gotten myself into, and he took me to a STRIP CLUB. I had fun for the circumstances up until he tried to force me to kiss him. There will be no second date.


I'll keep you guys posted.

First Post!

One of my frequent reading blogs is called 36 and Single. I loved the fact that a woman was being so strong and forward and putting her whole life into a blog about being single and dating as an adult. Inspired,I emailed her and asked if it was alright to start my own version. Being the sweet woman she is, she gave me the green light.

So, Howdy! I'm Hendrix, and I'm from Central Texas. I'm 18 years old, and the youngest of four children. I have one sister and two brothers. My parents are split, and both have remarried. I am the only one in my family right now that is single.

In February, I had a boyfriend, a horse, and a car. Mid month, I had a beginning-life-crisis. My horse was Jimi, an appendix gelding approximately 15 years old. He was the first horse that was 100 percent mine, and I was estatic. I have wanted a horse since i was itty bitty, and it was nice to have finally obtained my dream. However, I was (and probably still am) a timid rider. He took off with me a few times, so I hadn't had the chance to really get on and ride him.

At the begining of the month, he had been kicked by one of his pasture mates pretty badly, resulting in a nasty leg injury. My boss and stable owner brought him in to be stalled for a period of time. We thought he was on the road to recovery, and I had resolved that once he had gotten better, I'd tough it out and ride him out.

Early morning the 16th, I was traveling down one of the major highways in Central Texas and got into a car accident. An illegal immigrant had left his car in the right hand lane with no emergency lights on or lighting of any sort. I saw him walk across the road, and when I looked back, I saw his car. I hit his car going 65 miles per hour, and ended up in the hospital.

I went home and went to sleep for a few hours. When I awoke, my mom brought me into the dining room, and sat me down.

The news was terrible, and I felt like my life was falling to pieces. All of my dreams had been shattered. A vet had seen Jimi that morning while I was sleeping, and did an X-ray which told us he had a hairline fracture above his knee. There was no way of saving him from blowing out his leg, so it was better for him to go peacefully before it happened.

The vet had given him some pain killers, and they had him standing so that I could come and say goodbye.

My world had crashed all around me, and all that was left to be stable was my not-so-stable boyfriend.

He wasn't sympathetic, to say the least. Jimi was a forbidden subject around him. Any time he saw my face get sad, or mentioned horses and showed pain, he told me not to think about it. He wouldn't let me speak about it. He made a big deal about coming down to see me, but complained that I couldn't drive up to see him anymore. Eventually, we broke up. There was a long list of reasons I broke up with him, but I won't bore you with the details quite yet.

Despite it all, I graduated from high school in June, and now I'm heading to ACC for the fall course. I wanted to go to Texas A&M Corpus, but my school didn't send my transcript in time. My father purchased me another car, but its been in and out of repair since I've bought it. At the moment, I'm without it.

Anyway, hopefully, this will end up being a good release of crazy information that I need to let out SOMEHOW, and I hope, if I get any readers, they'll enjoy it as well.