Year 20

Its been forever since I've gotten on Blogger and Blogged.  I tried to start some different blogs to see if I could actually blog about something else, but it never worked.  I eventually fell short, and stopped even responding or checking blogger for updates.

This would have been a great way to vent some frustration throughout the year, because this year was hard.  In Febuary, my beloved Uncle Kenny passed away.  It devastated me.  Kenny was such an old soul, a wonderful man that hadn't quite played his cards right.  He started out as a punk kid turned Carpenter, and worked on many great homes throughout his life, including my Dad's.  I look over the house my Dad now lives in and see his spirit still thriving in the wood, breathing like he once did in the moments that he sweat, cried, and broke down over the extreme physical labor involved in rebuilding a house. His demons got the best of him, years and years of alcoholism and drugs had brought him to his resting place, decades before his time was due. 

I moved out on my own from my Dad's house a few months later, in with my sister.  Being out on my own isn't the easiest task in the world, and its difficult living a few dollars above minimum wage and needing the commission to carry you though the week.  A month or so after I left my Dad's, my best friend Kendy introduced me to a guy named... lets call him Joseph.  Joseph was young, three years my junior, but was adorable in my eyes.  He said all the right words, did all the right things, and he made me weak in the knees.  After being devastated by the death of Mr. III's  and I's engagement, I finally felt my heart was ready to beat again.  But due to the fact that he was heading into the military, and fast, after his high school graduation, he left me because it was too much to bear.  Broken hearted, I had to deal with my Grandmother's death a few days after. 

I haven't been able to fully accept that my Grandmother has left this earth.  I haven't quite yet walked into the little house behind my Dad's to feel the emptiness in it.  My Grandmother was a beautiful, smart woman that did her best, but just like her son, had fallen short.  She had to bury three of her children, another Uncle I never met named Allan, and my Aunt Cindy along with the obvious. But she had her own demons that left her the way she did.  After years and years and years of smoking, she developed COPD (basically chronic bronchitis) which left her unable to breathe in a lot of ways.  It took everything for her to walk 10 feet without stopping to catch her breath.  I thought I was able to accept her death because I thought "She now can breathe!" but really I had to snuff the emotions I felt deep down so that I could fix my self esteem and mental issues due to the breakup with Joseph. 

I turned to friends.  My sister wanted to turn to me.  I wasn't there for her, and because of my lack of care, a rivet in our relationship happened as loud as the crack of a whip in dead night air.  I walked into a war zone whenever I went home.  I was terrified of her being awake, terrified of her hurtful words that left me sobbing myself to sleep.  So, I stopped going home. 

A few months later, in a ditch effort to get me out into the dating world again, my friend Kelsey got me on Plenty of Fish.  I went on numerous dates before I met Beefcake.

Beefcake....

240 plus pounds of pure muscle, he stands at 6 foot tall, with blonde hair and green eyes.  He is originally from Germany, but the only accent that flavors his lips is that of his homestate of Mississippi.  I first met him at the dog park with Lady.  I was nervous, afraid he would look at me and immediately tear my self esteem down by saying I was chubby or something (I am a thicker girl).  But what I didn't know is that he had an attraction for dark haired, glasses wearing, fair skinned girls with tattoos.  I am all of these things. 

At first, I didn't think anything of it.  I met about 5 to 7 guys (I really can't remember) on this website, and numerous more I talked to for lengths of time, before I met him.  But then we saw each other again, and again, and again... and finally one day, I wrapped my arms around his shoulders and announced "I'm going to kiss you".  He answered "Mhmm..." and it felt like fireworks bursting in my chest as I leaned in and kissed his lips. 

At that moment, my head was over Joseph, and my heart was ready to take the next step away from the stupid boys I've dated, and into the arms of a real, true man. 

I'll admit, at first I was attracted to his massive muscles, but there was something better than his bulging biceps or his perfect pectorals.  He had a huge heart, one I hadn't seen in many men, and rivaled only by me, or so Kendy says.  He dropped his fear of being hurt again, and began the road to letting me in.  We spent a few weeks back and fourth, battling the feelings we felt with the knowledge of past relationships grown sour, and finally fell in love.

This is love?

I want his babies.  Yes, someone who doesn't really want kids wants babies.  I want to make him a happy man.  I want to grow old with him.  I'm crazy.

Tell me I'm crazy.

I'm so crazy.

Haha.

Anyway, He's pretty spectacular.  I won't lie.  And I am super excited to see where things go.  We both say we couldn't take another heart break.  He won't cheat, he won't lie. I won't cheat, I won't lie.  Looks like this might actually work. 

I hope it does.