I'm the worst friend ever

I really am.  My word means nothing.  I can't keep a friend to save my life.

It has to be something wrong with me.  It can't be consistent from the time I was young to now. 

Eff it, i'm going to join the army.

Series of Questions for Horse People. Number one.

I'm still planning on posting to this one about relationship stuff, but I'm also going to blog on this one.  I wanna get fit.  I wanted to type that one about horse and exercise/riding stuff here.  This is more of a personal blog, and that will be my career blog.

Mr III and I broke up.  I'm keeping his info up, but changing it and removing his picture.  I'll also be removing my friend's picture.

Some crazy stuff has happened in the last two weeks.  I left Mr. III for a few reasons, moved back home, and am progressing forward in my professional career.  I'm trying to get to Meredith Manor by June.  I'm sending off my enrollment papers tomorrow and getting ready to spend the money as a down payment. 

It'll be awesome. I'll move forward as a horse person.  But I've had a bump in the road, and I am looking for guidance.

And, if you could, please let your horsey friends know about my question, so they can answer it for themselves.

There's a lot of different questions to give, and some are kind of long, so forgive me if it may be ridiculous.

Okay, so here we go. 

I had a great horsewoman as a trainer for the past two years.  But, I've moved about 2 hours away from her location, which makes it hard for me to take the time out to go see her.  I wanted to try and make it so I could do lessons, but I ended up not having a single day off in the week, so I ended up warning her I couldn't do it, or at least, I thought I had. 

She says I hadn't, which truthfully, at this point, I'll take her word for it. 

I asked her if I could get a lesson from her this weekend  not realizing she had a clinic going on, so she ended up sending me some messages with a very strict and angry tone to them.  I did tell the Lady I'm helping out closer to my location that my previous instructor is someone else I've worked for, but she called at a bad time for my previous instructor, and my previous instructor was upset about it.

I asked if there was anything I could do to make it up to you, but her answer made me feel like I had burned a bridge.  I want to be serious about riding, and I want her to respect me as a rider.  I was thinking of finishing a quilt that I was going to make for her and sending it for Christmas, a long with a note of apology.

 Is this a good idea?  Can I get her to forgive me?  I really appreciate her for all she has ever done for me.  She's been so good to me in the past, I just want to be a friend to come in for a lesson every once in a while as a refresher, and I want to help her business.  What can I do?

I can't believe it

It has been a while since I've last blogged, and Its mainly due to the fact that I just haven't had the time, or Mr. III has taken up a lot of my time.  But this blog isn't about that.  This is about a kid that was in my Spanish class my senior year in high school.

He passed away in august, and I just found out today.  He was speeding down a road, lost control, and hit a tree.  He wasn't wearing a seat belt.

What kind of makes me angry, is that he saw me when I got in my horrific accident.  I told as many people up and down that I wouldn't have survived if it wasn't for my seat belt.  But I still feel for his family and friends.

It brings me down to earth on my car accident.  It really does.  How fragile humans are, and how easily it is to kill us.  How close I was to death on that day.  I was a lucky one.

Rest in Peace, Travis.  I didn't know you very well.  I talked to you a few times in class, maybe, but many people appreciated you for your talents and your wit.  I hope you'll keep them laughing up in heaven.

Hard times

I hate not being able to blog.  But, Mr. III reads everything that I write, so this is no longer an outlet for my feelings anymore.  I have to consider that he'll read it, and be irritated about the fact that I can't tell him what's on my mind.

I DO tell him.  I tell him until I'm blue in the face.  I explain as much as I possibly can to him, but still it's like he has to read it on my blog for it to sink in.  Which can be a good thing, but for the most part, I've devised this blog to be something private, that I include specific friends (like my follower, Mary) and outsiders that I don't know, for my own selfish reasons.  I write about things I'm bothered about, and it IS an outlet for me.  Its like a journal that I don't mind people reading. 

I look for advice mostly, outside of the box, when i'm writing in my blogs.  Or, to see if I have some people who have common ground. 

It's been two years since I got my job where I kept Jimi.  Around this time, my ranch boss hired me on as a 5 days a week stall cleaner and all around barn-girl.  I miss that job.  I'd take it back in a heartbeat, if money wasn't an object, or if I had time.  I miss horses.  I miss the ranch.  I need to find a new place to ride.  But I need not only a trainer, but a therapist.  A hippotherapist, who can work my through my fear of large horses, and help me excel in my riding.  I miss Jimi.  August will be two years since I took him home. 

I want to go see a psychic.  I want to ask them two questions: 1. Will I ever see Jimi again, and if so, 2. how will I know it's him. I think he's somewhere out in the world as a cute little yearling, somewhere out there waiting for me to find him and take him home again once more.  He's waiting for me to be stable enough to afford to give him the life I wasn't able to give him in his previous life.

As well, we have a ghost in our house.  More about it later.

The Art of Racing in the Rain

I started this book by Garth Stein around 4 o'clock.  It is now 8 or so, and I have to say, it was the most refreshing read that I've had.  Well, I haven't read a book in a while to my dismay, but this one was a great book to break the bad habit of TV.  I really needed a good cry, and this book was full of them.  I recommend this book to any Dog Lover out there. 

The reason I liked it so much, was it was put in the perspective of an Airedale/Lab mix that was picked up by a guy who was looking for a companion dog.  It goes through the life of this amazing dog and his master, and the terrible things his master is submitted to one after the other.  A weaker man would have killed himself, is all I have to say.  What a rewarding book, and an amazing finish.  Take a few hours out of your busy schedule, and check this book out.  I strongly recommend it.

It was actually recommended to me by my Father and Step-mother, and they gave up their copy to me so I could read it.  I'm home alone after working a morning shift, and Mr. III is working the evening shift and won't be off for another 10 minutes.  Then, he has a 30 minute drive home, at best I believe.

Things have gotten better, way better, and I wanted to apologize to my readers for my sudden outburst resulting in possible break-up-ness.  Truthfully, I was at my wits end with him and didn't know any other way of going about it.  Or, at least that's what I'm thinking went wrong.  I still don't know, and we're still trying to work through it. 

My head hurts from crying.

I wish you'd unclench your fists... and unpack your suitcase

This has been a hard past couple of days.  But, after an explosion of emotions (and no yelling...)  I think Mr. III and I have finally come through, together.

I've started packing my stuff...

We haven't clicked like we used to.  And I know the reasons behind it, its because he isn't the man I fell in love with.  I fell in love with a strong, sturdy, well adjusted fellow that was motivated and enthusiastic about going to college.  Now, he's a weak, flimsy, pampered pooch that is lazy and wants to "get into the real world". 

I leaned over his shoulder two nights ago, and saw a text from someone else to him saying "When do i get to wrap myself around my big white tiger?"  He took my car today and left me his phone, and i went searching for the message so I could feel better about it, rather than letting it loom above my head.  He deleted it.  So i went searching some more.  He called whoever it was yesterday while I was at work.  He was going to send him a picture, but somehow it didn't go through.  But the conversation is missing, and I don't have the password to his account that I think a different conversation may have happened.  He hasn't told this person he's engaged.  Nor, do I think he will. 

I think our relationship is coming to an end.  I'm packing up my stuff... we'll see if I actually leave, or if he's willing to get me to stay.

First day off and ALONE

Its my first day off that Mr. III is working.  We've been having our little problems and its nice to be alone for a bit.  It kind of reminds me of when I was living with Mom and excited for a day off of school where she wasn't around, where I could walk around my house in the nude and watch TV.  Same feeling, different love.  He'll be home in about an hour, but that's okay with me. 
The place is a mess, but I don't want to clean.  Its his second day of work today, and I'm going onto my third week.  I have no sympathy for him, because I work six to eight hours a day while he mostly so far has only worked five hours the last two days.  He's drained me of my last penny, my last cigarette, and I'm feeling used, and unloved at the moment.  Last Tuesday night, we went to south Austin to spend some time with his family because I was off Wednesday, and then instead of being able to see my family and our friends on Wednesday, he had to go clean his old house out.  I was hoping there wasn't much to be done, and we'd be in and out, but no.  He had supposed to have been working on it while I was working the past week, and it looked as if he had nothing but a few boxes packed.  I was pissed.  We spent seven hours of my day off cleaning up the mess.  When we got home, it was too late to go see my mom at the very least, and I just wanted him to leave me alone. 
This is in our first year of dating, we're on our ninth month.  With our moving in together with a lease on hand in a month, I'm not sure if I want to actually commit to all of this.  I'm looking for the reasons we fell in love, and while he's still madly in love with me, I'm falling out of love with him.  I'm losing the spark.  I'm losing it quickly, and I don't know if I can keep the flame going, or if I should just let it die.  I'm 19 now, poor, unhappy, and stuck.  This isn't a good feeling to have. 
At night, he'll want to cuddle and hold my hand, while I just want to go to bed and sleep.  Our sex life is once in a blue moon, and with debt and stress piling up, I don't know if I should cut my losses, or if I should just endure it and see if it will last. 
I did get a job up north, and I'm sure in the next month if I changed my mind, my Dad wouldn't mind me staying with him.  If I did that, I'd pay him rent, buy my own food, and try to just be a person in the room down the hall that just so happens to be his daughter.  I can't move back to south Austin right now, my sister is living with my mom, and due to the drama we had when I was a senior in high school, she's put her foot down to have us both under the same roof together.  Plus, my job is up here, and I have to think about that. 
Truthfully, I'm not sure if a talk would do.  I don't think he could convince me that I love him.  I look back to the pictures of us together on our first few months of dating, and I ask myself, why did I feel that way?  What were the reasons behind my love for him?  I hope this is a phase, but I fear it's not.  I'm scared to break up with him, but I did have a dream a couple of nights where I threw down my ring, and left. 
How, and Can you fix this? 
Should I just endure and wait, or should I think about leaving?

Memorial Day

To all those who have served, I wanted to dedicate this day's blog to you.  I appreciate your service to the nine.  Thank you for protecting our freedom; thank you for risking your life so that I can sit on my couch with my Australian Shepherd and fiance and not have to worry about some other country breaking down my door and stealing my stuff, or even killing us.  Thank you for protecting our rights (what little rights we have left...) and for being all that you can be so that children can play in the streets knowing overall, they're safe.  Its because of men and women like you that we have such a carefree life.  This one is for you guys.

I wanted to post this for the billionth time.  I have it on another blog  I have for my short stories.  It was a poem I wrote to my brother when he was in basic.  I'd love for you to read and remember those who have faught in wars for us, and even your love ones that may be overseas or have been overseas.  Enjoy.

To: Mattex

When we were little,
I wanted to be you.
It didn't matter what you said or did,
I needed to be you.
When I was crying,
Because the kids at school were mean,
You were my gallant warrior.
I longed to be you.
Then the next day, you went on hating me again,
I'd continue my normal idolatry.
You were my best friend,
Through the moments we fought for peace,
with our parents,
with each other.
You were more than the arguments,
You were more than our father,
That never graced us with his presence,
After the allure of women took him away.
You were there to lead me,
Like he was supposed to,
And I desired to be you.
Your life brought you down this hard path,
And I could only stand back and watch,
And try to do what you'd do for me.
Though now I wonder,
If you ever think of me as much as I think of you.
I never saw you leave,
Didn't see your face looking brave,
If you gave it away in your eyes,
The fear that bubbles within.
So when they told me your voice quivered over the phone,
My heart broke, because I knew it would,
As you stepped on that plane all alone,
I knew not the thoughts that ran through your head,
Or if tears brimmed under your eyelids.
But I'd imagine,
That through it all,
You would still show your southern charm.
I write this in hope,
That you'll keep your chin up,
So that when you come home, I can look up to more then just my brother,
But my American Soldier.
I'm so very proud of you.

Mr. III is an artist and is thinking about illustrating a childrens book with this poem.  I'm changing some of the words, the ones talking about my dad in particular, and we're thinking about doing it soon.  So, I'll keep you guys updated.
 
Happy Memorial Day!!

Lady, Oh Lady...

I sought advice from a professional about her whining, and he said to try for a few days having her play for 2 hours.  Of course, I'm hoping he doesn't mean all together, because she's a puppy, I don't think she'd fare well doing that.  But, earlier today, I took her out for a half an hour in his hot and humid Texas heat, and now she's munching on a bone.  I'll take her out again three more times for 30 minutes each, and see what happens.  Hopefully, her whining thing will have diminished after doing this a few days.  She seems as happy as a clam now, chewing on her bone.  We will see. 

I'd have to think of a routine for when I'm working, and school.  I guess it depends on how school will be.  I think I may be able to swing a day like this for her.  I'll wake up, let her out and play for 30 minutes, take a shower, go to school. Come home, play with her for another half hour, then get ready for work.  Mr. III will play with her while I'm at work for 30 minutes.  I'll get home, have another 30 minute play, then time for us to wind down and go to sleep.  When she's about 6 months to a year, I'll think of making them a bit longer, 45 minutes for two, and one for 30.  When she's older, like a year, we'll be back in summer, and we'll gradually get her to walk for 2 hours a night, and Mr. III and I would take walks.  I haven't told Mr. III about this plan, but we'll see how it does.  I'll post more pictures of her soon.

Stress, Stress, and more Stress

This is the part of my life I'd like to call "So Hard, if I was Suicidal I'd be thinking about Suicide".

Mr. III and I had a tough morning yesterday.  We finally got out and about, and after finding out I got my job, we finally found our spark again.  Usually, our first kiss of the day starts out with a "good morning" no matter what time of day it is.  It was around 3, and finally we said "Good morning".  He said "yeah, we've had a rough start to this day". 

(WARNING:  VERY GROSS MATERIAL COMING UP.  Skip over if you are squeamish, don't like talk of sex, grossness, or anything with bodily fluids.  I'll warn you when we're back in the normal stuff.)

Then, when we got home, I had a total FML moment.  (To give reference, FML... its a website.  Means "Fuck my life")  So, we're in the kitchen with Puppy Butt in the living room playing around.  Well, he started playfully pushing me up against the wall, and things got a bit heated.  So, we were bad parents, and left our poochie downstairs to have a romp in the bedroom (FINALLY is all I have to say.)  It was good.  Very good.  And much needed.  So afterward, I'm lying on top of him, and because I've just got over a cold, I was coughing.  We used protection, but still, juices fell out of my womanly parts onto him.  We laughed it off, but then, I noticed a hair in the back of my throat.  I started gagging!  I stood up and ran to the bathroom, only to spew all over the bathroom.  Mr. III was like "hey!  did you throw up?!"  I was like "DON'T COME IN HERE!"  I cleaned it all up, then washed my mouth out.  Then, we went downstairs to take care of Puppy Butt. 

No more gross stuff, I promise.

Today, I was stressing because all of this money that I have to spend in the next few months, and how the hell am I going to be able to get it all established without having gotten a steady paycheck.  How am I going to save for all this crap that's coming up? We have a pet deposit, a normal deposit, first months rent, etc.  So, as I stressed, Mr. III fixed it all by asking his Grandfather to help me as well as him.  I just about cried I was so relieved.  His grandfather will pay for us both for the first two months, at least rent wise.  That will give me some money to put aside, and so I'll have the pet deposit and my normal share of the normal deposit. 

He's a good man, and sometimes I wish the sex thing wouldn't get me so riled up and angry.  I don't understand why it does.  Why are our carnal instincts so important in a relationship?  I read somewhere, or saw it on Oprah or something of a lady who had sex with her husband every night, and they were saying what a great relationship they had because of it.  My parents split up when I was young, and later while I was talking with my Dad, he was telling me how my mom used to "hold out" on him for punishment, which is what lead him to go to the things he did right before the divorce (porn, strip clubs, etc).  Now-a-days I don't see the problem in them, but then since I was young and impressionable by my mom, I hated him for it.  I think as long as you have an open-to-talk relationship, everything will be okay.  Mr. III and I talk about everything, clean, dirty, gross, anything.  Because of that, I think we'll last.  I just think that I would be so much happier if I didn't have a higher libido than him.  Sometimes I think I should just go to the doctor and talk to him about it, but then I think he should more than I.  A healthy relationship consists of lots of sex, and once you introduce it you can't take it back.  Plus, when I'm stressed, I'd rather have some play time with my fiance than anything else. 

Anyway, things are getting okay... but I still have to get everything fixed up and ready before we get out of here.  We move into the new place in July. 

Puppy Update: she whines all the time.  She should be happy; she gets fed, let out, treats, lots of play time, and plenty of love.  We don't know whats up.  Next vet visit, I'm asking.

Frustrated!

I just want to scream, shout, and cuss.  I can't take it anymore and I hate the fact that I can't.  Its obnoxious how much I have to pull teeth to get him to touch me.  Its obnoxious that when I ask about it, he just stays quiet like he doesn't have an answer for me.  Its OBNOXIOUS that I'm wasting away in my prime one of the best guys I've ever dated, but he won't touch me!!!  My life right now is really stressful, and sometimes I think a good de-stresser is to have a little alone time with my man, is that so much to ask?  But every night is the same thing.  We go upstairs, we get in bed, he turns over, and I writhe and want to have a tantrum in bed because... well... bed life is non-existent. 

TOUCH ME!

I can't take it anymore!  I feel like, if a decently gorgeous man walked by me while I was outside and was like "hey, lets do it" I'd highly consider it.  I mean, if this lasts any longer, I don't know what I'll do.  I can't keep going on like this. 

And now, every night before bed, I think about taking the other room, and just sleeping in there.  I did that when we first got together, and he wouldn't sleep with me after months.  I told him that I couldn't sleep next to him because I was just so frustrated, and wanted to be intimate with him and show him how much I loved him.  It finally happened, but I feel I'm back to square one.  I don't want to sleep next to him.  I think if I do I'll just want to scream and kick and shout.  So I have two choices, the room with the dog, or the couch.  The couch is actually quite comfortable.  I'm thinking of sleeping here.  Try to wake him up a bit. 

I'm also reconsidering living with him for the next 12 months.  I'm thinking about crumbling under my mother's desires and getting my own little economy room, or finding a roommate on my own.  I don't know.

I just don't know. 

Am I going crazy?

Mr. III went to bed nearly four hours ago, what am I still doing up? 

When I try to go to sleep, I hear voices and footsteps, and puppy whimpers.  I walk to listen to see if it's Lady in the other room, but it never is.  Its like there's a TV on in a room that I don't know about.  I think its the next door neighbors.  But, I'm not sure.  Its finally stopped, nearly one in the morning, but I still can't sleep. 

If this continues in the new apartment, then I'm getting checked out by a psychiatrist.

I've done a lot of crying today.  Mr. III and I both.  He's beating himself up about things from the past.  As some of my followers know from me posting about it earlier this year, I had an abortion for a number of reasons.  I think it's just sinking into Mr. III of what happened, and the hard decision and how it's effected me.  He voiced his opinion, and he regrets it now.  He told me tonight he should have kept his mouth shut and let me make the decision on my own.  I don't understand why he's blaming himself for it.  It's not in any way his fault. Well... it is partially... but that's the pregnancy.  I chose to abort, it was my decision.  Its not his to bear.  I don't hate him for it.  I love him unconditionally.  There are a few things that if he did to me we wouldn't be together anymore, but I'd still love him.  In a way, I still love a few of my ex's.  I don't blame him for it, and it hurt to see him hurt to see me hurt if you know what I mean.  Because, though this is fucked up I know, I got the puppy for the sole purpose to make me feel more secure in my decision (that I can't go back on).  Having to let her go, feels like after depression of the abortion.  It makes me realize how much I do love this scrawny little fluff ball of teeth and cuteness.  I cried for (no joke, seriously) hours after realizing I'd have to give her up.  Larry doesn't want us to have to get rid of her; I think its mostly to appease me.  (Side note and kind of cute, I told him you have to make sacrifices when you're older, and this may be one of them.  I couldn't be selfish.  And he looked up at me and said "but hunny, you're the least selfish person I know". That's my awe moment of the day) The girl we're moving in with wants us to keep Lady.  I desperately want to. 

We have some options though.  I have some good friends that are interested in taking her in if things go sour.  We will find out tomorrow at one.  Cross your fingers, I'll blog tomorrow night. Or, technically tonight. Its one in the morning.

Goodnight.  I think I'll try to pass out again for the fifth time.

(Wow.  Thought I typed a marathon, and realized it was a sprint. Ha, I must be tired)

Hello? Anyone out there?

I've written on this blog for almost a year now.  Adulthood has hit me like a freight train.  My mom has officially kicked me out of the nest completely, saying "Okay, pay all your bills, keep your nose clean, and make sure you don't fuck up!" 

I was considering giving up Lady, and then I decided I loved her too much.  Now I have no choice.  I have to give her up.  I feel like I'm going to cry all day long.  She's my puppy.  She was supposed to be subjected to all of the love that the would-have-been baby would have gotten.  The place that we are leasing won't allow pets under 12 months.  All the places that we've looked at living won't let us have pets under 12 months.  She's like... 9 months away from that.  All I know, is I don't want a dog for a really long time after this.  I don't want a horse.  I don't want a cat. I don't want anything.  I don't want to deal with the death of said animals.  I don't want to have to deal with having to give them up because I can't afford it.  I don't want to have to deal with all of this pain.  I love animals, but I best just stay in the appreciating animals spectre.  I'm tired of hurting.

I'm going to try to have her with me.  I'm going to try soo hard to convince them that I should be able to have her.  But, I'm not holding my breath.  I'll have her until the end of the month, and then she'll be loved by another family.  One that won't get rid of her.  They WILL give her back if they don't want her anymore.  They will.

I'm squaring away all of my debt with my first paycheck, and then I'm closing all accounts of credit that I have.  I don't want to deal with credit right now.

I don't want to deal with anything right now.

I'm so depressed.

Mr. III... he doesn't seem all that affected about having to get rid of her.  He wants the place too bad.  He'd rather the place over her.  That's what it feels like.  I'm sure its not that.  I'm sure I'm just saying this out of hurt.  I just wonder if he cares.  He cares because I'm hurt, but does he care that we have to give her up?  I don't know.  He doesn't talk.

*sigh*

I have 4 followers.  A year, and only 4.  And that's okay.  So, I'm just reaching out, saying, is anyone out there?  How do you become an Adult?  How do you deal with debt?  How do you make it to each paycheck?  How do you save money?  How do you live? 

How?

Adulthood is scary.

Puppy Nipping Help

 I liked the way that this website explains how to take care of puppies when they Nip.  I'll explore the website some more later.  Puppy Nipping Help

Also, I made a page!!!  It's the "People of the Blog" Page, should be up there below the header, and above this post.  Check it out! Tell me what you think.

Puppy Woes Update

Mr. III and I have decided that it is in her best interest to stay with us.  We're going to train her up and see how things go from there.  He reassured me that she's in the best of hands with us, and that we'll take good care of her.  I've personally decided that, if she shows any signs of depression, we'll look for a new home for her.  Overall, I think she'll be happy with us. 

I was planning on job hunting today, but Mr. III won't get out of bed, and I think that we'll do it tomorrow.  We have to do it tomorrow.  The goal is to have a job set in play by the end of the week.  I'm going to go to ACC in the fall, and if things with ACC don't pan out the way I'd hope, and perhaps even if it does, I'm looking into online classes so that I can work a full time job while going to school.  Maybe it'll be better for me in the long run?  Who knows.  I'm going to talk with my mom about it when I get the chance.

Once Mr. III wakes up, I'm going to suggest we go to visit some friends.  We've been cooped up in our temporary home for way too long.  We need to get out a bit. 

Anyway, enjoy the picture. 

Puppy Woes

How could you say no to that face?  I love this pooch. I do.  She's nearly what I wanted in a dog.  However, with life the way it is, with the job hunt, and eventual job holdings, perhaps I purchased her in haste.  Now, its not that I regret it, but I feel like those mom's on 16 and pregnant.  I love my puppy, but I don't know if having her now is the best option.

So I'm considering placing her in a better home.  Somewhere with a back yard of awesomeness, somewhere where the people will love and appreciate her like I do, but give her the support she needs. 

However, I feel like if I end up giving her up, then my family will look at me the same way they always do when I get a new pet.  "Well there Elise goes again, rushing into things before thinking, and putting another animal in jeopardy."  I thought this one through, but I guess not well enough.  Now, I feel very put out.  I feel like if I place her in a new home, I'll never be able to get another pet again.  Ever.  And I think that's what It'll be like.  I'll keep Shadow until he passes, and then that's it.  No more animals.  Ever.  I don't know if that will include horses, but it probably will.  I'll just feel guilty.  I'll feel like I couldn't really own an animal and love it like it should be.  I always feel inadequate when it comes to animals.  I guess, they're something I should appreciate, but never really get into again. 

I'm probably being melodramatic.  Maybe not, who knows.  I guess I'll discuss it with Mr. III and we'll see what happens.

What do you think?  Give me the full truth, put it all on the line.  Truthfully.  Please, give me what you think.

Witnessed a Car Accident

Yesterday was a LONG day for Mr. III and I.  We moved back home from Brenham, and I had my last final.  We had left the night previous, because we had too much stuff for one trip, and came back in the morning.  That's when it happened.

A trucker was on the right lane of a two-lane road, stalled out for whatever reason.  An older lady, around 70 from what Mr. III told me, ended up driving into the back of it.  Mr. III and I pulled over in front of the truck, and went to help.  I grabbed the phone of the Trucker to call 911. 

The car was tucked up underneath the carriage of the 18 wheeler, her face nearly to the back bumper.  The car was completely totalled.  While I was on the phone with the emergency crew, Mr. III talked with her, and told me what she said.  She was bleeding from her hands, and I told the emergency crew she was conscious and talking.  A mail carrier guy pulled over to help with wet wipes and a first aid kit, and told me she was stuck in the car, the dash was in her lap.  Another man pulling a trailer pulled over and directed traffic.  The only words I really heard from the trucker were "My cones are dead..."  and "are you done with the phone?" while I was on the phone with 911.  I was thoroughly unimpressed.  The EMS, firefighters, and sheriffs came, and I handed the phone to the trucker.  The sheriffs asked me with a few questions, and got my info, then let us leave for my final. 

I think about her.  She was all I could think about yesterday.  Is she okay?  Did they get her out?  How is her family?  I prayed for her peace. 

I made sure I said God Bless to all those involved, feeling like it was as if I were saying it to those who had helped me in my car accident, and I feel like it gave me peace in some ways.  I was able to give back to help someone, paying it forward for someone helping me. 

I wish I could have talked to her, but was too busy on the phone with EMS.  I was kind of scared to talk to her, as well.  Would I look at myself, in some sick way?  I didn't want to bring my car accident into the mix of things, so I kept my mouth shut and tried to help as much as possible. 

So, I did my final, got the rest of our stuff, unpacked it, and drove the vehicle back to his Dad's house, then went home to rest.  Since Brenham is two hours away from Austin, his dad was 45 minutes away from the place we're staying, and another 45 minutes from where we dropped off our stuff to his fathers house, you could see how it was a long day. 

I totally got sick.  Cold from HELL!

So, those who follow me, if you read this, answer this question:  Have you ever had an experience that left you peaceful, because you "paid it forward"?  Please share.

Its friday, and already crazy

What an eventful day.

Mr. III and I went to pick up his car this morning, a long with getting little Lady into the vet for her first rounds of shots. I am really impressed with Love Pet Hospital of Austin.  They distracted her with awesome treats, and she didn't even notice the shots.  She liked the dewormer, and all around it was a great experience for her. 

We relaxed with Skinny and his brother, Probie, and then later we joined his family for his cousin's initiation into Color Guard.  I'm really proud of her.  His Aunt, the closest thing that Mr. III has to a mother, asked if Mr. III was coming by to see his boy-cousin, we'll call him Anime.  He said yes, and she said "I hope you bring Elise with you" which was something that impressed and excited him. She's a rather private woman, she doesn't like people at her house.  For her to want me over was awesome. 

Well, Mr. III and I went to pick up Lady, who was being watched by Skinny and Probie, and on our way to his Aunts house, his car broke down.

Oh, my, Goodness.  It was so irritating.  His car was JUST fixed, but it now is sitting there dead on the side of the road next to his Aunts house.  Poor Lady was exhausted when we got her back, so I put her to bed as soon as possible.

What a tiring day.

Last Few Days of School

Tomorrow, I have three finals (perhaps, its really unknown).  Next week, I have two.  Then summer is here!!! 

After that, I would have liked to start on my novel, but I have to find a job, write this thing for this Stellar Scholars thing (which I'm having a hard time with, and I don't really want to, but whatevs),  and sign up for fall classes.  After that, perhaps I can get some awesomeness settled with my novel.

I'm looking into finding an illustrator for my storybook that I'm planning.  Hopefully, Mr. III will do it. If not, I won't be hurt, I'll just try my hand at it. 

I get to see my puppy tomorrow hopefully.

I wish I may I wish I might...

I really wish that I could look into the future for one thing: To find out what I'm going to be, so I can go and get ready for it.  I mean, c'mon...  I can't handle being indecisive.  SPCA agent?  Perhaps?  I dunno, I don't know.  Veterinarian?  Probably not.  Writer?  Won't make much money.  Jeweler?  Oh... shoot me if I end up being a jeweler.  Responsible breeder?  No.  I refuse.  Maybe on the side, but never for a living. 

ARG!  I saw a saying once that "Expecting a teenager to know what they want to do for the rest of their life is like expecting a child to run before they crawl."  But still... I need my motivation!  I need to know what I'm going to do! 

I took a personality test that says i'm an extrovert, intuitive, feeling, judgemental person.  If my personality went to an extreme, I would be OCD.  They say I'd do best in management.  That doesn't help!!!  I hate managers, and I'd loathe being one. 

Ah!  I am not victorious.

Check this out

I'm starting a blog of my short stories and poems.  I posted two that I've written in the last year.  Check them out.  AT Short Stories

Questioning/Goals

I'm not sure that I want to be a vet anymore.


I went in for a job interview at Austin Carriage, which I enjoyed thoroughly. But, I'm not sure if I want the job or not. I don't get weekends off, and I'll be working in the evenings most days. It seems to have a bunch of responsibility as well, if anything happens to the carriage or the horse, it's automatically your fault, no exceptions. As well, you don't get paid until you are finished with training and get your driving record on file, along with a hair follicle test, and a certain licensing by the city.


First off, most of my driving record will probably consist of speeding tickets I've gotten, which aren't many. I think I've had all of two tickets in the duration of me driving. I have a warning, but I'm not sure if that would show up. If it also has accidents, I only have two, and one of them was minor, my mirror broke off and their tail light was broken. The other accident was major, and the other person's fault, and I wasn't ticketed.


Secondly, the hair follicle test bothers me.  I feel like it doesn't give the people who have done drugs, but have sucessfully quit a chance to get through society.


Last, the licensing I don't think would be a huge ordeal. But, still, it could take some time to get, which would be irritating.


So, ideally, you can get it all done in about 2 weeks, as long as you're working hard to get your training finished, and getting your driving record in. But, is it worth it? Should I even attempt it? It does sound like a fun job, but I don't know if it's the right job for me. Even if I decide not to, I'll email her and let her know, just in case one day I'd like to take it up, she'll consider it.


Another thing that worries me, is the whole I won't get a weekend off ever. That, and I'll work from 5 to midnight, every night, pretty much. So, Mr. III and I wouldn't see each other that often. If he had a job that was during the evening, that wouldn't be a problem, but he wants to get a dentistry job as a dental lab technician, which is fine and dandy but I'll probably be leaving for work when he gets home, thus we will never really see each other.


As well, I'm thinking: Is veterinary really for me? The more and more I talk to people about it, the more I hear that veterinarians get callous and numb to animals, and most veterinarians as well, don't care much for the animals, and make mistakes often that cost the animals' lives. If I went into Large Animal Veterinary, I wouldn't get paid for what I was worth, even if I was the best veterinarian out there. They do have a government scholarship for those going into veterinary school to be a large animal vet, which would be nice, but still. I'm not expecting to get rich, that's not my intention, but I would like to be paid what I was worth. That, and I love animals, and most people are telling me that I should just leave it as a hobby.


*sigh* it feels like every job title that isn't a lawyer, doctor, nurse, engineer, or some mix in between all of them, should be left as "a hobby".


So then, what am I to do? What should I do with my life? How will I contribute to the small short lifespan that I have in the blink of existence we call the human race? What will be my contribution to the world?


I'm not satisfied with being just a hum-drum person that, when I die, I get an obituary, my family mourns, but otherwise, no one has, or will ever hear of me. But, I'm no actress. I'm no singer. I'm a writer, I'm a horseback rider. I'm an animal lover. I try to be a friend. I try to be reliable, I try to be dependable. I try to be a good person. I plan on being a good mother. I plan on being a good mentor. I plan on being smart. But, what should I do, so that I'll be able to make it, and do what it takes to make my work so influential and motivational, that people are moved.


What do I do?


There are two things that I would love to do, if it was a good field to go into.


1. Horses. I would love to breed/show horses. However, I know right now I don't know enough, nor do I have the money to properly have horse-babies. I could probably tell which horse should be bred and not, I know genetics decently enough to where I could prevent genetic defects and breed the right type of horse. However, I know I don't have the experience to properly take care of a foal, or a mare in foal. I also know, I am not properly trained to drive a trailer, just in case anything happens. I also know I am not good enough to be a "show rider". This, I know. This, I accept. I would love to learn how, but I don't have the resources to do it, and truthfully, I don't think breeding and selling horses should be some one's only job. They should have a job to supplement their horse practice, so that if anything were to happen, like ending up with HyPP N/H mares, you would be able to have the proper funds to purchase a horse without HyPP. You know what I mean?


Side note. I was reading this story on a website on HyPP because I did a report on it for biology, and this lady who was a breeder was explaining her for-instance on HyPP. She said she would continue to breed her HyPP N/H mares because she "didn't have enough money to purchase a mare that doesn't have HyPP, but once she gets a filly out of one of these mares that is HyPP N/N, she'll retire one of her mares". I felt that was wrong on her part. I don't want to end up like that.


The second thing I would like to do, is I would like to write. Writing has always been a passion of mine, I've always enjoyed doing it. But, I don't like journalism. I actually, hate journalism. With a passion. I used to be a part of my Yearbook in High School, and I loved it, but I don't think I could do it for a living.


Thus, I have no idea what in the heck I'm going to do with myself.


As well, I had a dispute with a friend of mine this weekend. I can't have my puppy up in college, so I'm having a friend look over her for the time being. Well, she's dating a kid that I've known, but had a falling out with because of her. Anyway, I was going to pay her for her troubles, and take her out Friday, but Friday I ended up having that interview/training to see if I wanted the job.  I thought the interview would just be at most an hour, but it ended up lasting until midnight. She didn't tell me that she needed the money to take her boyfriend out for dinner, she had just texted me asking when we could get together. Unable to text her and let her know Friday night, I worried, but ended up coming home with a headache and a backache and was unable to think straight enough to even think about how to sit down, let alone call her. Saturday, due to mothers day obligations, I completely spaced in calling her. Sunday, when we texted her apologizing, she told us she wanted her money for that week, but we would have to make other arrangements for the next week. I flipped out wondering what in the hell I needed to do to keep the puppy safe, and in a good position for the next week. I had just about decided to take her with us when she pulled up and talked to Mr. III. Mr. III had me talk with her, and we made amends. I know I was in the wrong. I am completely aware of this. But I didn't like how she took it. I didn't like the way she treated me. When she first began helping me with the dog, she was talking about spending all the money I was going to give her on the puppy (which we told her no, she should spend it on herself). She gave me the impression as well, that she was doing this night out with her boyfriend the next week, so I thought I had time to get her the money. But, as I said, I know I'm in the wrong. I tried to own up to it, and she just flipped out. Apparently, her boyfriend said "I expected Elise to do that" which bothered me, because I don't recall ever really doing this before while being friends with these people.  I mean, hell, sometimes shit happens.  It wasn't like I wasn't going to pay her.  But, I expected her to be a friend, not a landlord.  *sigh* Lesson learned: Never ever EVER have money matters between your friends and yourself.  If you pay them for something, pay them in advance.  Never accept handouts from friends.  Just keep money out of it.


Lack of communication. Fucking sucks.  Friendships... uhg.


So, I'm a bit weary of her. Her relationship is none of my business, but I feel like it brought a rivet in the middle of our relationship, because he hasn't "forgiven" us for hanging out with her when "He told Mr. III not to talk to her or hang out with her" (I really don't think he told Mr. III, he was grouping Mr. III in with all the guys who wanted to have sex with his girlfriend, not thinking of him as a friend who just wanted his girlfriend to hang out with another chick that she gets along with in the same vicinity of him) And she stepped out of bounds hanging out with the people he told her not to. It was something between them, and I tried to help, and ended up getting bit in the hand. As this whole deal goes on, and he bitches her out about it, she told me she didn't want to get back with him. I know girls at this age don't think through things, and its completely her decision, but it's made hanging out with her very difficult, and has made keeping her as a friend near impossible. She's not allowed to be around any of my friends, where it used to be the both of them would hang out with us on a regular basis. Oh well... I find that we'll attempt to be friends, but it'll be too difficult and we'll end up going our separate ways. I doubt she'll care if the end up breaking up on resurrecting our relationship.


I want to write out my goals, short term and long, for the next few months/years.

Short Term:
1. I'd like to clean myself up. I tend to be a bit of a mess... like my room and stuff. I'd like to become neater.
2. I'd like to get a job that will let me work full time.
3. I'd like to look for a therapist, and begin working on myself. I want to start figuring out what I need to do to get more organized, and reliable. I don't want to be caught in another mess up like what happened this weekend.
4. I want to start reading on and developing study skills.

Long Term:
1. Next semester, Make a 3.5 or better.
2. Encourage Mr. III to obtain his dreams.
3. Get Married.
4. Be Stable.
5. Figure out what I want to be, and attack it with full force in school.

Off for now. Laterz.

What a Weekend!!!

So... I really should consider changing the name of my blog from "18 and single" to "19 and engaged". Yep. Mr. III proposed. Let me tell you about it.

We had to leave the puppy at home, sadly. So, his family has a boat on Lake Travis, so we left around noon to start it up (just so you know, I have no idea whats going on.) After a few "boat troubles", we finally were on our way. He took me to a marvelous restaurant called Abel's on the Lake (I recommend it to anyone, not just because I was proposed to there, but because it was TASTY!) which you can park a boat and go in as well as drive. So, we got there, and went in, and had a marvelous lunch. I had the chicken fried steak, with macaroni and cheese and onion rings. The chicken fried steak was amazing, the macaroni tasted really good, but I wasn't too much of a fan of the onion rings. Not to say they wouldn't be good to someone else, because Mr. III ate his and mine. So, at the end of the dinner, they brought me out a plate of brownie and vanilla icecream, and written on it "Will you marry me?" He got down on one knee, looked up at me, and asked. I was tempted to say "FUCK YEAH!" but there were children... and puppies present so I just said "Definitely yes!" and we kissed and the whole restaurant clapped. We had Skinny there too, who laughed. I was so... I don't know... some emotion, that I can't explain... I just couldn't eat for a while. But, when I did dig into that brownie, it was like heaven. Oh, my goodness... it tasted SO good.

After that, we continued our boat ride around (I had wished I had brought my bathing suit so we could possibly take a dip, it was HOT!) and then went on a horse-drawn carriage ride in Austin. I loved it, it was gorgeous. The pony was one of those you don't necessarily come by that often. He didn't like just standing around, he was like "why the hell are we here? Lets get going! NOW! I'm working!" I was like... that horse is awesome. I may get a job with them, lets see. They told me they had a shortage of drivers, so I'm applying.

Overall, it was a wonderful night. Except trying to sleep. The puppy doesn't like to stay asleep for more than a couple hours.

PUPPY!!!

I did something kind of reckless. Something, that Mr. III didn't like, but didn't mind.

I bought a puppy.

AKC registrable aussie Shepherd, blue merle, beauty of beauties. She's gorgeous, sweet, and very quiet. She follows you around outside, even off the leash. I'm currently working on her potty training and leash training. I am sooo in love.

I needed her... because of the whole abortion thing. I know that's probably a stupid reason to get a dog, but there was some allure to me about this beautiful dog, that made me say gosh. She makes me feel better about all this crap that's been going on.

Mr. III is struggling, because he was going to stay at his grandfathers condo until he could get on his feet and find out how much monthly he could afford for a place. But, his step grandmother has other ideas. She has revoked his right to the condo, and is pushing him to get an apartment NOW, before he knows how much he'll make, before anything. So, he's really upset and pissed off. Which I completely understand.

He really wants me to move in with him, but for the most part, I'm not going to. Not until I get all of my debt paid back and off, so that I have a basis of life. I also HAVE to learn how to budget, as does he, so we don't sink.

I'm stressing out. But, I've got my lady, and that's all that matters.

Small Update/New Possible Blog?

I have an interview in a few hours, so I'm typing a quick blog to let you guys know whats up.

I talked to Mr. III about it, but he didn't give me much of an answer. So, hopefully... he'll at least know my concerns and be able to understand why I've been so moody lately.

Two: YES! Interview... to a high class restraunt in the heart of Austin. I'm super duper excited. Cross your fingers for me! I'll start in three weeks, most likely.

I'm trying to think of a blog that I can start working on that's a little less per-se personal... I'll keep this blog of course, but I would like something that people would read and get info on. I'm consitering starting a blog about different horse problems that can arise, and ways to prevent and help them. Since its something i'm passionate about, i think it would be nice. Any suggestions?

The State Bird of Ohio...

I'm a woman with a very healthy sexual appetite. Always have. I think, that's probably the reason I lost my virginity pretty quick. Sexuality is always an interesting subject for me to talk and to write about, and it comes more naturally to me than talking about religion or politics. To give you some insight on what i mean... sex>politics>religion.

I've also, always dated men with pretty sexual appetites themselves. I've never been permiscuous, but always exclusive. Mr. III had me wait for him for a few months, which caused some self-esteem issues in me, that I realized I had to fix before we could really be happy together. Well, now that I don't feel like self-esteem is attached to sex, I still feel aroused. I'm a girl that, in a perfect world, would have sex on a daily basis. But, I'm the man in this relationship in this aspect. He does not have as huge of an appetite for it as I do. I've heard it only gets worse after marriage, and that scares me shitless!!

The only reason I meantion this, is because he's been hinting at proposal.

Which has me thinking: The guy? Or a sex life? I can't cheat on him... that's just not right. I'd rather masterbate furriously with a showerhead every night to get my jollies off than have intercourse with another man, however, with impending proposal in place, and more seriousness aquiring, what can I do? I mean, I love him so very much, but I think our relationship would have a lot less stress if he would just have SEX with me. Its never that he can't get it up, its just that he doesn't want to. I've tried to be a bit more kinkier, and try different things... but he won't budge. And It's getting to the point where its taking a toll on me. I mean, this is the part of our relationship we should be consumating like bunnies and praying to God we don't get preggers.

I think it has to do with the fact that he's a bit overweight. We both are. So, because of his self-image issues, he's not wanting to do it. Which would make sense. Cheating is out of the question. We don't spend enough time apart. And as well, the only reason he would need to cheat is if I wasn't fulfilling his needs... and consitering he's not fulfilling mine instead, he's pretty safe.

I'm not going to break up with him... but it'll take time and effort and patience to lose weight, which... I want him to do... for himself, not for me. He's not very patient, and gets frustrated easily. The rejection sucks... and its starting to take a toll on my self esteem again, and two, I hate not being intimate with him...

Does anyone have any advice for me?

Good Day

You know, sometimes I really think God is messing with me.

Now, truthfully, i'm not a seriously religious person. I don't like talking about God to people, it just makes me unconfortable. There was this guy last year when I was working at the jewelry store that told me on black friday that "god was helping him with all of his purchases" and all I could think to say is "good for you?" No offense to him whatsoever, but I just don't like discussing God and such with people unless its in a strictly educational standpoint.

But, this semester in college, it's been increasingly aparent that SOMEONE in the devine thinks I should be in college.

Before getting the abortion, I was really sick for a few weeks and unable to go to some classes. Right before I dropped a class, I got an email from the teacher pleading with me to stay in the class, and that she would work with me so that I could catch up.

Then, today, Unable to get a doctors note, I was going to drop another class of mine. It turns out, the teacher is dropping the class himself, and moving his students (only 4 of us now) to his other classes. However, I have classes durring both times he has on Tuesday/Thursday, so he's doing to discuss with another one of my teachers to see if I can split the time between the two classes.

So, he's basically going to work with me.

Sweet.

I love college.

I know not all colleges are like this. When I head up to the big university, its even moreso that it will be unlikely i'll get the type of personal attention I'm getting here at my little junior college. But, truthfully, its been amazing.

It looks like I'll pass this semester with B's mostly, maybe one class with an A and another class with a C. But overall, I'm doing pretty snazzy.

Next semester, I'm going back to my hometown, and going to the junior college there. I'm not sure if I've told you guys, but Mr. III is leaving college and persuing a technical school. That's fine with me, as long as he's happy. He's really just interested in having some sort of stable job so we can get married and be semi confortable, and then persue his dreams once mine are met. He wants to flip houses, which would be nearly impossible to do right now. He figures that I'll be able to invest in his "company" and he'll end up giving me back my money and then some. He's even planning on "owning" a few condos and "renting" them out and such. Sounds fine with me, as long as he's happy in the long run.

I'm thinking about my major job right now, which is a toss up between Large Animal Veterinary and Radiology. I'm not sure about either.

But, it's late, and I need to get some sleep. I'll go more into it tomorrow.

Mr. III and I,

Are possibly getting a poochie this summer. I'm really excited. She's a red murle australlian shepherd with green eyes. She's just about a year old, potty trained and learning more, and I'm discussing with the rescue on adopting her. They were worried since I'm a college student about adopting her out to me, but I explained that my boyfriend/soon to be fiance has an appartment right now and he's getting a job fairly soon, and I have lots of cash saved up just in case.

I'll keep you updated. If we get her, I'll put up a picture!!

I'm going to try to make it my goal to blog every week from now on. It'll be pretty sweetcakes.

Happiness and Sadness

School has kept me from really blogging lately... but here's how things are going.

Mr. III and I are doing marvelous. At the begining of this weekend, we got into a bit of a spat, but we're doing amazing. Actually, it was a fate-astic weekend. Friday morning he and I went to pick up my car from the shop (FINALLY FIXED) and then drop his car off at a different shop. Well, he got the directions wrong, and I had to drive back home to get the right directions. Tired and pissed off, I told him to "sit" like a dog when I left the car to get the directions. The car ride there was tense, and when we picked up my car, he drove ahead of me and made following him very stressful. My inspection was a year out of date due to a fluke with the car company and lots of crazy repairs I had to do in order to get it inspected. So, when we got there, I said I'm sorry, he said he was sorry, and we continued on to get my car inspected.

While waiting for the car, we went to a jewelry store and looked around. One of our things is we look at wedding bands, and he actually designed one, and put a downpayment on it!

Very exciting, to say the least. We as well saw one of his awesome teachers from high school, who he talked to about the whole thing, and she was really excited for us. Which made me really rather happy. After finally getting the car back, we continued about our weekend with love in the air.

And here's something pretty marvelous. He asked both my parents if he could marry me, and each said yes!! In a normal family, usually you shouldn't have to ask both, but since my parents are divorced, it ends up he has to ask both, because they don't communicate unless they absolutely have to.

On sunday night, he was talking to his Aunt and found out it was his grandmother's birthday on monday. Monday, he ended up playing her song on my CD player in the car, and said "Happy Birthday", and it just about broke my heart in two. I feel like I cried more than he did, but I'm sure he was suffering in his usual manly way. We talked about what we would do to honor her at the wedding, and have decided to put an invitation on her grave site.

I'm not sure if I've told you guys about his grandmother, but I'll leave that for another post.

What I'm about to tell you

This is a very controversial subject, and I know that a lot of people may dislike me for the action I have taken in my life, but it was necessary under my circumstances.

So, Pro-Life, Pro-choice, I'm under the Pro-choice category. I find that every woman has the right to stop a pregnancy in the first trimester if she needs it. My personal beliefs are that, If the heart isn't beating, there's noting you're losing per se.

I open a discussion on the subject, though I would like to ask you to please be respectful.

Anyway, I was a little under 6 weeks along when I terminated my pregnancy via pill method. I did it at home, and Mr. III took care of me all day. It sucked, but wasn't so bad.

The reasoning behind my decision is, it would be hard to obtain my veterinary degree if I had a child right now. Though, adoption would have been fine to do. However, Mr. III would lose his college, his grandfather pays for his college, and if we ended up getting pregnant, he would lose it. I couldn't deal with the fact that a decision I made would effect his life in such a way. He needs college.

We're looking into adopting a puppy, if possible, and we will have kids once we get in a position to do so.

I feel like God was with me in this decision, and though he might have not agreed, or whatnot, he gave me peace in it. I think I'll find a way to give back in some way.

Besides this, Mr. III and I have never been better. We can't have sex for two weeks, but its okay. We're getting though it nicely. He's the best guy out there, I feel like a lucky one.

Later, perhaps.

Since I can't write it out...

I'll poeticly tell you.



One mistake will spin your head
And In the bed with the one you love
You just want to turn over and look the other way.

Because you're struggling with the feeling
and his mind is made up and you wonder why
your mind drifts differently, but the guilt is all your own.

One needle prick
should make it all go away
but someday, will I be guilty?

Will someday I feel terrible?
Will someday, I feel regret?
Will he someday, feel the same way?

Obama

So, I'll be flagged as a terrorist, I'm sure.

Mainly, the rest of Obama's crap I don't care about. What I'm blogging about is him banning Flavored Cigarettes. I used to smoke those things like normal cigarettes until he decided that "they appeal to the youth" and took my right to smoke them away.

We're now the Supressed States of America. Why do I say this? We're slowly having our rights to things taken away. As mine was when he banned flavored cigarettes. yes, they came back as cigars, but they're not as tastey, and not as good for you. Well, Cigarettes aren't good for you, but you get my drift.

I'm just wondering what other rights will be taken away from us in the future.

*giggle*

College has definately given me a different outlook on life. I sat and read my chapter for psych and finished my bio assignment, and then got to my dorm from Mr. Three's so that I could get online and then get some rest. So, as I'm heading to the bathroom, I hear voices I haven't heard before, but remind me of noises I know very well.

Someone was making some good lovins. I just hope she was orgasming *giggle*. Funny thing is around 10 we're supposed to be quiet, and not have visitors. Its amazing how much you can get away with. Damn, I want a cigarette after all of that. Well, I want a cigarette anyway, but I just don't have one right now. I haven't been keeping them on me to keep me from smoking them quite as much.

Ya know, Mr. Three and I knocked boots today, but we weren't loud at all. Only the whispers of my name and a slight noise of the bed hitting the wall was heard from us. I like it that way. I'm in no way an expert on lovins, but I do try to find a great way to give a guy what he likes. I've kind of given up on the "big O" without my little hand's help... or at least a major one. I had a little one with Mr. III, but that was the closest I ever got, and man, would I love one of those mindblowing ones that make you incoherent and lose some balance.

Don't get me wrong, Mr. Three is a good lover. He tries. But it's hard for me to show him what I like, and its even harder for me to know what I like.

My last boyfriends were very much into their own personal orgasm, more than mine. So, to make them feel better, I faked it. A lot. I turned over a new leaf with Mr. III, saying I won't do that to him, though I see disapointment in his eyes when I tell him I can't. I usually can tell if I will within a few seconds... or really I don't want to try after a few seconds, it feels very awkward for me.

Another thing, is he doesn't like to go down. Now, I never have a problem going down on him, but he's only tried it once, and has done away with it, or so it feels like. And, to get him to do the one time he did, I had to beg and plead, and it was only a few seconds before he popped back up. Now, I dabbled in the lesbian relm once in my life, when I was younger, like a freshman and sophomore in highschool. I actually didn't mind the taste, and liked it better than the taste of guys. But, he went into it with a pretense that he wouldn't like it. His best friend (other than Skinny, my best friend) doesn't like it, and tells everyone that he doesn't like it. Drives me nuts.

I don't know, maybe I just need to sit him down and tell him that there are certain things you have to do to get a girl riled up, other than getting her "horney", and that there's a difference between "Horney" and "excited".

Its just exceedingly difficult to do in a college dorm setting. Twin beds, not much room for two people to really get it on. We have to start getting creative or something.

Hmmm... Thoughts?

1 year of Jimi's Passing

I'm feeling increasingly more and more depressed as the days begin to dwindle to Jimi's one year of passing. The 16th will be a very difficult day for me.

I'm in school to be a vet, and once I am, I want to find that horse that gave that lethal blow, and put him down myself. I've never hated a horse so much in my life, and I just don't want him killing another little girl's dream, and breaking another little girl's heart.

Though, I guess it's just something I'll have to get over. I won't be able to find the horse, I guarantee you that, and that kind of hate just needs to be put to bed. But I can't forgive him, not yet.

I'm reading the Tao of Equus, a great book, that I began reading the summer before I bought Jimi. I wish I re-read it while having Jimi, there are so many things I could have used to better our relationship.

And I need to get back up on a horse, and soon. If I don't, I fear this depression and rage will only be pent up and grow into a mental illness, or something of the sort. Not a good thing.

Things with Mr. III are great, and will continue going great. He's awesome.

Its been a while

It's been a while since I've typed on this... and I needed an outlet to let go of some of the stuff I've been thinking lately.

Mr. Three and I are doing okay. He had a road bump this week, and at the moment we're together in his 5th wheel. Its not bad here, but I convinced him to get school housing so that I can live in my dorm. I'm not ready to actually live with him for a while, though I don't have the heart to tell him.

Things have been going okay with us. I have seem to lost some of the spark that I used to have with him. Its not his fault, and I love him to death, but I need some time to reflect, and I can't do it with him around. He always wants to know what I'm writing down or what I'm doing, and the only reason I'm able to type on my blog right now, is cuz he's asleep.

Jimi's one year of passing is coming up, Febuary 16th. I'm stressed. I'm anxious. It seems so long ago he was with me. I miss him to death. And to make matters worse, I seem to be longing for something... something else. I don't know, its complicated.

My 19th birthday has come and passed, so though this blog is named 18 and single, it turns out i'm 19 and taken. well, you can't always name your blog what you're really gonna be forever.

Anyway, more on Jimi. I sent an email to the guys who had put Jimi down, Austin Equine. I appreciate them more than anything for letting me say goodbye to my horse, and I wanted them to know. After typing the letter, I got a response from the guy who actually put him down, and he described him as a "stoic gentleman" which perfectly described him. I miss him so much. I miss horses so much. I miss the ranch, I miss the girls, and I wish I could go back to that time in my life, but I know its over.

I'm going to college... I'm gonna be a vet. I'm really excited about this, but at the same time I'm worried that I won't be good enough, or that I won't make it. Mr. Three is worried that we'll break up due to his little screw up, but I don't know... It doesn't make sense. I'm not sure if I'm making promises I can't keep, or if this is just be pulling away. I'm probably just scared of this- he wants to make things more perminent. Its a nice thought, that I was so excited about when we first started dating, but the more and more I think about it, the more and more I know that I'm not ready for it.


He's sleeping next to me, but for some reason, I feel alone.

Maybe I'm just soon to be on my rag.

Maybe...

Hopefully.